Saturday, December 28, 2013

Iron Goddess & the Christmas Conundrum

To get through the latest part of my quest for health and fitness, I've had to find some serious steely resolve.  As Iron Goddess, I have shown a certain amount of dedication, determination, and discipline thus far, but what I didn't expect was the holiday season effect.  

The Christmas conundrum is this:  "You've done so well, look how tiny you are!  Surely, you deserve a break...a rest...a treat...another drink.  It's Christmas time." etc. etc. etc.  This happens most frequently at parties, dinners, girls' nights, afternoon sessions, open houses, evenings at the pub, family gatherings, restaurants...pretty much anywhere there's an opportunity for me to do something "naughty" when it comes to eating or drinking.  Now, I understand why a host(ess), friend, colleague, or whoever would say something like that, because they just want me to relax and enjoy myself.  They are giving me permission to let go for a bit - that's all fine and dandy for other people, but I am not other people.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I've got to choose nice over naughty if I want to reach my goal.  I'm still in the process, I can't let the Baby Jesus' birthday celebration screw me up.  

So how do I deal with ubiquitous holiday parties?  Well, for that I take a cue from the tenets of Taekwondo. 

1. Courtesy - Ye Ui - Be courteousness to the host(ess).  I thank him/her for inviting me, give a gift for being gracious enough to have me over, invite me to the dinner, or ask me to be involved in whatever the festive occasion...and I don't tell her/him that I'm not really going to eat because I don't exactly know what's in any of the food and my body really doesn't need all those high fat, high carb goodies anyway.  I will, however, go crazy at the fruit and veggie platters or eat some of the appetiser I brought...luckily, no one really notices this, because I'm super chatty and always have a glass of something in my hand.  Who says if you give up the treats, you can't have a good time, eh?  Cheers!

2. Integrity - Yom Chi - With integrity, one is able to define what is right and wrong and live a life of principle and morality.  Well, as you know, I have a Croatian conscience who keeps me somewhat in line; but having said that, choosing between right and wrong has often been easy over difficult, tasty over bland, lazy over industrious for me...but not anymore.  Adherence to my new healthy lifestyle is correct, slipping back into old habits is not.  No 13 trips to the buffet this holiday season.  It's about embracing the change and making decisions such as this:  No unhealthy food...only wine.  Wait!  No.  Awww...man, I gotta work on this one. 

3. Perseverance - In Nae - is all about having patience.  I knew getting into this whole health challenge that it would take time, and that I would need to keep at it if I were ever going to reach my ultimate goal.  Perseverance is knowing that I can overcome any difficulty through time and discipline.  It is the realisation that if I let go and eat and drink anything I want at a holiday party, that it will have some consequences.  And, at the same time if I do let go and eat and drink anything I want for, well, let's say Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, that perseverance means accepting the aftermath of said actions and forging onwards without dwelling on 2 days of frivolous behaviour.  I have endured almost 12 months of exercise and clean eating, and I am not about to throw all of that out the window for some turkey and mash...and, so I continue on the path to health and fitness despite what may have happened on the 24th and 25th.  Perseverance is accepting slip ups, forgiving yourself, and continuing down the righteous road.

4. Self-Control - Guk Gi - “He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty" - Lao-tzu.  Christmas or not, this may be the most difficult of all the tenets for me to follow.  As a binge eater, self-control is not my strong suit...and now, in an ironic reversal of fortunes, restriction is how I exert governance over myself.  I realise this is not appropriate, and I am working on it...I suppose I feel the need to punish myself for misbehaving...or for past bad behaviour.  Before you think that I am dabbling in anorexia, it doesn't happen all the time but it is there, it rears its ugly head occasionally.  Self-control for me is being able to maintain my healthy lifestyle without the pendulum swinging too far in any direction.  I am someone who strives for perfection, this is very difficult for me to accept, though I realise that I need sustainability.  As Iron Goddess, I am in complete control of my person...mentally, physically, and emotionally, as Suzie Spitfyre I'm still a fat girl trying to get healthy.

5. Indomitable Spirit - Baekjul Boolgool - having the courage of one's convictions.  Despite the odds being stacked against me this holiday season, I will triumph over the never-ending buffets, ever-flowing fountains of drink, and the overwhelming draw of the Christmas couch.  I will not be easily defeated, discouraged, or subdued...and thank gods there are only 5 more days of this nonsense!  As much as I love festivities with friends and family, exerting iron will over what used to beat me into submission has been hard.  Though I wasn't perfect, I did my best...and lived to fight another day...for I am Iron Goddess and I am indomitable.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Weigh-in Wednesday #48 - Odin's bad eye

Yesterday, I said that I was going into weigh-in blind, and so I did.  It is said that Odin, father of the Norse gods, sacrificed one of his eyes to drink of the Well of Urd whose waters imparted the knowledge of the cosmos.  Well, I could use more knowledge (couldn't everyone?) and I do drink a lot of water, but am I willing to go blind for it?  Not really.  So, what does this have to do with Weigh-in Wednesday?  Well, the day after Týr's Day is Wēdnes Dæg...and Wednesday is named after Wōdin (Anglo Saxon for Odin) and in order to check my weight on the scale, I had to open my eyes to gain the knowledge of my new number.  You with me so far?  Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on this.  Haha...luckily, Mímir (guardian of the well) didn't ask for anything in return, though I did sacrifice 0.7lbs of fat.
 
Starting weight:  292.1
1st weigh-in:  286.8
2nd weigh-in:  280.1
3rd weigh-in:  276.4
4th weigh-in:  274.1
5th weigh-in:  270.6
6th weigh-in:  266.2
7th weigh-in:  262
8th weigh-in:  261.4
9th weigh-in:  257.7
10th weigh-in 251.4
11th weigh-in 247.3
12th weigh-in 243.6
13th weigh-in 241.7
14th weigh-in 235.4
15th weigh-in 235.4
16th weigh-in 227.7
17th weigh-in 223.5
18th weigh-in 223.5
19th weigh-in 221.6
20th weigh-in 221.6
21st weigh-in 215.6
22nd weigh-in 213.2
23rd weigh-in 207.9
24th weigh-in 206.6
25th weigh-in 200.1
26th weigh-in 199.7
27th weigh-in 197
28th weigh-in 191.3
29th weigh-in 189.9
30th weigh-in 180.7
31st weigh-in 183.4
32nd weigh-in 186.4
33rd weigh-in 186.3
34th weigh-in 174.8
35th weigh-in 174.8
36th weigh-in 170.1
37th weigh-in 169
38th weigh-in 170.2
39th weigh-in 174.7
40th weigh-in 166.4 
41st weigh-in 162.8
42nd weigh-in 159.9
43rd weigh-in 166
44th weigh-in 161.7
45th weigh-in 158.5
46th weigh-in 156.5
47th weigh-in 154.1
48th weigh-in 153.4

I worked out like a viking and ate like a valkyrie and lost 0.7 pounds this week.  Progress is progress whether it's 0.7 of a pound or 7 pounds, right?  And speaking of progress, I meant to post this on Thor's Day and not 7 weeks later like the last WIW update.  Alas, I couldn't get my Asgård in gear and am posting this on Friday.  Ah, Frigg!  

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Weigh-in Wednesday #...well, the last 7 weeks worth…woops.

Well, when it comes to writing about my weigh-ins…I have seriously been slacking off - sorry about that.  Perhaps it’s because they have been a bit more uppy downy since my knee injury and that makes me feel a little like I’m not very versed in losing lately.  At least the uppy ones make me feel that way.  The downy ones still make me feel great.  Especially since the last 7 weigh-ins have taken me into the 50s…and I dig that era, and that weight.  47 weeks ago I told the ninja that I eventually wanted to be 150 pounds…and I certainly did not expect to get down to 154.1 pounds in 11 months.  That’s pretty wicked.  That’s 138 pounds lost according to me, and 140 pounds according to Jonathan, as a million years ago he weighed me in on a random Monday and I was up 2 pounds from my initial Weigh-in Wednesday…but he wins because 140 sounds more impressive than 138.    

Here’s what you know already:

Starting weight:  292.1
1st weigh-in:  286.8
2nd weigh-in:  280.1
3rd weigh-in:  276.4
4th weigh-in:  274.1
5th weigh-in:  270.6
6th weigh-in:  266.2
7th weigh-in:  262
8th weigh-in:  261.4
9th weigh-in:  257.7
10th weigh-in 251.4
11th weigh-in 247.3
12th weigh-in 243.6
13th weigh-in 241.7
14th weigh-in 235.4
15th weigh-in 235.4
16th weigh-in 227.7
17th weigh-in 223.5
18th weigh-in 223.5
19th weigh-in 221.6
20th weigh-in 221.6
21st weigh-in 215.6
22nd weigh-in 213.2
23rd weigh-in 207.9
24th weigh-in 206.6
25th weigh-in 200.1
26th weigh-in 199.7
27th weigh-in 197
28th weigh-in 191.3
29th weigh-in 189.9
30th weigh-in 180.7
31st weigh-in 183.4
32nd weigh-in 186.4
33rd weigh-in 186.3
34th weigh-in 174.8
35th weigh-in 174.8
36th weigh-in 170.1
37th weigh-in 169
38th weigh-in 170.2
39th weigh-in 174.7
40th weigh-in 166.4

And, here’s what’s happened on the scale in the last 7 weeks:

Oct. 30th, 2013 - 41st weigh-in 162.8
Nov. 6th, 2013 - 42nd weigh-in 159.9
Nov. 13th, 2013 - 43rd weigh-in 166
Nov. 20th, 2013 44th weigh-in 161.7
Nov. 27th, 2013 - 45th weigh-in 158.5
Dec. 4th, 2013 - 46th  weigh-in 156.5 
Dec. 11th, 2013 – 47th weigh-in 154.1

The day after WIW #41 was Hallowe’en, and I trained at the gym as a zombie…and thanks to my MAC make-up and mad make-up skills people just thought I was just a bit ill…with pink eye.  

Right before WIW #42 my bestie, Delfine, came to town.  Always so amazing to see her, and also to weigh-in in the 50s on Wednesday...even after a dinner party and drinks.  YAY! 

The Saturday before WIW #43, I was training with the ninja, testing out the knee, and then the bloody thing gave out on me again.  So, that's the reason for the 6.1lb gain anyway...fluid retention...or it could have been the fun that was had in Courtenay on Thursday and Friday. Stéphane, Delfine, and myself headed up to the Kingfisher Oceanfront Resort and Spa for a bit of R 'n' R.  Seriously great massages on the Thursday, fabulous fancy dinner, libations, snacks, and amazing conversation.  The following morning, we visited the Pacific Mist Hydropath, which was quite the experience.  8 stations, including Swiss showers, mineral massage pool, 5 different kinds of waterfall massages, a eucalyptus filled steam cave, glacial waterfall (10 seconds of freezing water - I was able to endure the entire 10...yay me!), river walk (warm and cool sides), sea mineral soak, and finally tidal baths with seaweed salt scrub.  I hardly made it to the gym after that, and when I did...my skin was so slathered in green tea moisturiser that I nearly slid off the treadmill and could hardly hold onto the dumbbells, but I did get a workout in after the hydropath and before the most relaxing pedicure in the world.  Lovely to see my Montréal bestie, sucky to gain 6.1 pounds.

WIW #44 saw me lose the weight I had gained...or at least 4.3 pounds of it.  Time to pull out the salads for lunch, soup for dinner trick again, I guess.  Gah!  How long is it going to take me to lose this weight!?  Not so stressed out though, because I had to take a couple days off after injuring my knee again.  So the next week I can add some more exercise into my week.

WIW #45 - So only 2 weeks to lose the gained weight...not too shabby.  Plus an extra 1.4 pounds on top of that...lowest I've been in about 16 years, I'd say.  I think I was about 180 when I got back from Ireland, so pre-Ireland, I would have been maybe 170 or 160 something.  Not too shabby going into the holiday season in the 150s.  Gods help me to resist the temptations that this season brings...fortunately, I always say no to sweets, but it's a lot harder to say no to another glass of prosecco with Elderflower liqueur.  Mmmmm...

WIW #46 - 4 days after Stéphane's work party...and down another 2 pounds!  That, my friends, is awesome.  A fancy affair at the Union Club is how Genivar celebrates the holidays...seafood appetiser buffet, fancy cocktails to start, gorgeous dinner buffet, wine on the table, and top it off with 83497328943789 desserts.  So, what did I eat?  Well, I filled up 1/2 my plate with spinach salad, skipped the fatty dressings and opted for a couple wedges of lemon, picked up a deviled egg, and then had a slice of roast beef with some horseradish...because even though everything looked delish, I'd rather not have party guilt the next day.  I have a nasty habit of having 1 of something and then it opens the floor gates for another 1..and 1 more after that, and if I've had a couple glasses to wine, 1 turns into 5 very easily.  Better safe than sorry, so no cocktails, no appetisers, no mashed taters or Yorkshire puddings from the buffet, no bread and butter, no Christmas puds or cookies for me.  No, and because of that I still fit into the party dress that I bought specifically for the occasion!  Don't ask me how much wine I drank...on the plus side, I got some cardio in on the dance floor.

WIW #47 - 4 days after 2nd Christmas party of the season, another weigh-in.  And this time, I was suffering from "tried a few things from the buffet" guilt.  I know it's perfectly normal for other people to pick and choose a few nibblies to enjoy while drinking eggnog and chatting to other party goers, but I can't.  I have to eat before hand so that I don't begin to covet the gorgeousness that only a chef and pastry chef can make.  Around midnight, I may have sampled a handful of things...but Jägermeister Rudolf quite possibly had something to do with it, what a bad influence.  Check out Heather's delicious treats here www.VIN COCO.com.  Needless to say, I was feeling a little "fluffy" after that evening.  And, was surprise weighed-in on the Tuesday before WIW...I don't like it when my suspicions are confirmed not only by an impartial scale, but a rather observant ninja who also noticed my fluffiness.  160 to 154.1 in 1 day?  Well, it just goes to show how weighing in at the same time each week is the way to go.  I'm sure my weight fluctuates during the week, but if I were to check the scale throughout, I would go mental (more so that usual) and probably psyche myself out.  Why would I let a scale have that sort of power over me?

Having said that, I go into WIW #48 blind as Odin's bad eye...but knowing that I have worked out like a viking all week, Valkyrie Suzie that's me.  My diet has been spot on, except for a dinner party don't on Sunday when I guesstimated how many Wisecrackers I had with an approximated amount of antipasto, and I have stepped up the exercise this week.  Finger's crossed for tomorrow this full mooned Tiw's Day!  Though, I suspect hard work and a strict diet trumps luck every time.         

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

TRICK-OR-TREAT!?!?!

Happy Hallowe'en from Dr. Frank-N-Furter

I had a very HAPPY HALLOWE'EN, Samhain, New Year, Day of the Dead, All Saints and All Souls Days...whatever you want to call it.

Like every good spook on All Hallow's Eve, I wrote some New Year's resolutions on pieces of paper which I then set alight and dropped into a cauldron.  As the leaves on the trees wither and die, so too should some of my bad habits, right?  And, yes, I still have some of those even after 10 months of healthy eating and exercising.  So with this turn of the year's wheel, I will attempt to bid adieu to some of my more unsavoury quirks.

I have been attending the EatingDisorders Programme provided by the Ministry of Child and Family Development every Thursday for the last few months.  As you know, my relationship with food has been somewhat troubled for many years...suffice it to say that I used to dive into several bags of potato chips, down 2 litres of cola, and gorge on endless combinations of mac n' cheese, ramen noodles, and canned pasta whenever I would get upset, stressed, bored...or feel any strong emotion.  It was not a healthy practice, because after stuffing my face full of junk food, I would feel physically ill, and then the shame and guilt of such a pig out would set in.  But, food and I also liked to
Karl Lagerfeld and his date, the Sweet Transvestite!
celebrate with each other.  Have a great day?  Yes, well, let's order greasy burgers, pizza, Chinese, poutine, whatever...it didn't matter, but let's not forget to get chips and pop from the store...and if we get enough food for 6 people, then we can keep eating the take-away for the next day and a half.  Mmm yummy...and I'll start my diet on Monday.  Good plan!  And, famous last words.  Needless to say, my diet...or rather lifestyle overhaul...didn't start until January 16th of this year, and has been chugging along pretty nicely since.  So why attend the Eating Disorders Programme?  Well, because once a foodaholic, always a foodaholic.  I may be in recovery, but I will always have a tendency to overeat even if it goes against my better judgement.

My GP Dr. Laura Phillips, who is the most supportive, understanding, and comprehensive doctor in the world, turned me onto the eating disorders programme after I discussed an inappropriate new inclination to skip meals, or restrict my food.  Last November and December, I was talking to her about my compulsive binge eating.  There was no better high than losing myself in a junk food orgy...and now, it seems, I'm taking cues from my high school skinny-self who ate very little because of her sweetheart's take on thick thighs.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  I get it, I've done a little transferal thing...why eat less and exercise more when I can adopt another eating disordered behaviour?  Sticking to a healthy well balanced diet that keeps my metabolism going all day, well, that's just too damn normal innit? Far too logical for me, why don't I swap one problem for another?  Haha...at least I'm aware of the situation.  It's a trick or treat kind of a thing.  And, as I've given up treats, it gets a little tricky.

Zombie Suzie...at the gym.  Yes, I worked out in this.
Before attending group sessions, I had a preliminary phone interview with someone about my eating habits.  And, following that, I had a one-on-one hour-long chat with a clinical counsellor.  Both experiences led me to ruminate over the how and why of my eating.  No real problems with food growing up, my parents encouraged healthy meals with the occasional treat, I exercised regularly and took part in sport.  I suppose it was my first real boyfriend who made me question the amount of food that was going in my mouth.  So, I just stopped eating as much...because apparently if you eat less, you are more attractive?  It doesn't really make sense, but that's how I saw it.  It must have been in Grade 12 that I first experimented with restrictive eating.  Skip breakfast, eat a recess snack, have lunch, and dinner if I was with my folks, possibly no dinner if I was with my beau.  And then everyone's happy, right?  Well, apart from me who was kinda hungry.

Then in university, I remember getting ready to go to dinner with my new boyfriend "cute boy from my archaeology class," and I asked him if I could wear the outfit that I had put on.  He looked at me as if I were crazy for asking.  But, I had become accustomed to asking for BF approval.  (And, I swore that I would never let a boy control me like that!  Gah!  I had been conditioned.)  So, later when I asked him what I should eat at the restaurant, he told me anything I wanted, of course.  Really?  Cool!  I'll have steak and lobster...just kidding.  

So how did that lead to binge eating?  Well, in my case when I cast off the shackles of restraint I embraced fairly normal eating again.  And, when I say normal, I mean normal in the sense that I wasn't counting calories and I ate a healthy well rounded diet...with the occasional sweet or savoury goodie thrown in.  I was embracing intuitive eating:  Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.  Duh!  Then I broke up with that university boyfriend, and I was sad.  So sad and mad at myself for causing the break-up, and irrationally angry with men, boys I should say...so how will I get back at them?  Well, I'll be wickedly clever, sharp witted, and wildly successful at anything I set my mind to...and then, and then they'll think..."Why did I ever break up with her?  She is sooooo fabulous."  Or I could just stew in my dorm room and eat mi goreng before I go to sleep pretty much every night.  Hmmm...what to do, what to do?

Thus began my own personal confederation of food and emotion.  You told me what to eat?  I will take back that power by eating what I like, when I like, and however much I like, thank you very much!  Who has the power now, Bucko?  Oh, and slightly larger thighs.  Awww crap.  My cunning plan has side effects, and appears to be backfiring!  Now add a lack of varsity field hockey to the mix and we've got the freshman 15....except that I was a sophomore, so I doubled it.

This Halloween.  Batman needed  little help, obviously.
And 18 years later, I was almost 300 pounds.  Okay, I may have left out some of the details of how that came to be...but you don't need to know the specifics, you need to know that I started equating food with comfort, pleasure, happiness, solace, and a bunch of other nouns that describe a state of being.  I ate for stress relief, to alleviate emotional pain, and as a way of coping with the ups and downs of life.  I was a totally normal kid (well, to a certain extent) and I gradually turned myself into a food addict who became completely obsessed with eating.

Now, on Thursdays, I go to group meetings and hang with a small number of women all affected by binge eating.  We are lead by 2 or 3 counsellors at a time who cover topics as varied as “using your wise mind,” “dialectical abstinence,” and “primary and secondary emotions”…and something about arrows.  Very fancy stuff...and it seems to be working, or at least I seem to be applying it, not only to my eating, but also every other aspect of my life.  Now I pretty much feel like I’m screwed up in lots of other ways…but at least I’m working on it.  

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Winter is coming!


As I sit here in the lobby of the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre, Old Man Winter has taken over outside.  The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the leaves are off the trees, and there is a bit of snow on the ground.  It is lovely out there.

And you know what?  Winter never used to phase me.  Last year, I had my extra layers that I couldn't take off, but now…now I am affected by something that I haven’t experienced in a very long time…the cold.

When I started gaining weight in Montréal, perhaps it was not because of my awkward way of dealing with emotional issues and food fetish, perhaps it was just a survival technique.  I arrived back in La Belle Ville one very sunny and humidly hot August.  Then in September, I started plumping up in preparation for the coming winter.  I indulged on steamés, poutine, pizza and fries (it’s weird, but it happens in Montréal, don’t ask me why) rather than acorns, berries, and
seeds.  There’s a reason that the all the months leading up to the Canadian deep freeze end in BER…though personally, I think they should end in BRRR…in Québec, however, they would probably end in “beurre” and be 1 and a ½ times larger than the rest of the word.  But, when the temperature fell, I was alright.  PERK:  Gain 15 pounds September through December?  Wear 1 less layer under your wool coat this January!  Come to think of it, why didn’t I just go into hibernation?  I could have avoided the cold altogether!   

Now, I can’t leave the house without fleece or down or wool.  It’s a bit ridiculous…how am I supposed to be a stylish Montréaler who still wears leather in negative 20 degrees Celsius if I don’t have natural insulation to keep me warm?  I suppose I’ll have to come to terms with the fact that I will now feel the cold…and be less appetizing to roaming bands of cannibals…unless they are health-conscience and prefer a lower fat option.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Injured Ninja.


In October, when my leg shot out from under me in taekwondo, I thought it was a sprain…and so did the emergency room doctor.  He said I should be up and running in a few days, give it a couple days of RICE…no, my leg isn’t Japanese - that means Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation…and then start back by getting on a stationary cycle or something.  And I did that, in fact, I took an entire week off of training and gained 5 pounds.  No big deal, I lost it throughout the course of the next week when I started working out again. 

And, I worked out pretty hard around my bum knee for the next 5 weeks…until the ninja and I tested it (because it was feeling strong) by doing some lateral exercises.  I was on my 5th round of squat shuffles when it gave out on me again.  Same sensation of snap-no-control-of-anything-below-my-thigh, but this time I was lucky…I was able to throw my weight back on my good leg and hop to the railing and then sink down to the floor in a puddle of feeling sorry for myself and a reasonable amount of pain.  Again, I did not cry.  Ninjas-in-training don’t cry in front of real ninjas.  Or at least, you wouldn’t be able to see them do it…they are nearly ninjas after all.

After that set back, I took 3 days off to recover…I didn’t need as much time as it wasn’t as bad as the first fall but, it was quite a shock.  I really thought I’d healed.  Recently, someone asked me if I could have one super power, what would it be?  I always say flying, but this time I didn’t.  This time I said REGENERATION.  I am scared of heights, and generally when I fly in my dreams…I end up travelling at unsafe speeds and getting caught up in power lines and such.  Regeneration though, imagine being about to self-heal!  That would be cool.  Of course, when I answered her…I imagined myself having an adamantium skeleton complete with giant knives that protrude out of my knuckles at will, but I digress.  Needless to say, at the moment, I could use me some healing powers…because as I found out last week at the musculoskeletal clinic, my knee is broken.

Maybe 10 days after pop-goes-the-knee-for-the-second-time I went to my doctor and she referred me to a sports medicine specialist, who I then saw last week.  I am able to work out, but it’s a bit more difficult because I’m not able to twist or pivot or pretty much do anything that involves more than moving in a straight line.   At Rebalance MD, I checked in with the MOA, and she gave me an easy peasy background sheet to fill out.  When I say easy peasy, I mean 20 pages of medical history, diagrams of the human body that you annotate and use symbols to point out where it hurts and how much, then there’s the patient info section, the obligatory do you smoke?  Do you drink?  Are you left or right handed (in case the physician wants to know if you’re an analytical thinker or a creative soul)?  I didn’t finish it, I was called into the examination room before I hit page 16.  So, while I waited for Dr. Sports-Medicine-Guy I kept filling it in. 

Explanation of how I got my initial injury:  I went up for a quick kick in taekwondo and my knee felt like it dislocated and then it fell out from under me and I ended up on the floor in a lot of pain (or, not a lot of pain, according to the ninja who will not credit me with a high pain tolerance…even though in 1993 I suffered through 5 days of a broken jaw without realising that it was broken straight through and I’ve had quite a lot of tattoos…which are quite painful despite what macho rockabilly boys will tell you...so there).

Explanation of how I injured myself further:  I was in the middle of a training session, and it was all fine and dandy until the little bugger gave out on me again in much the same way.

The moustachioed physician, Dr. Gershman, looked over my wrap sheet and my file…apparently I have one even though it was my first time seeing him, my reputation precedes me!  Har har.  Anyway, I told him what kind of training I was doing and how much I was doing and then I told him about how much weight I had lost and then he asked me if it was me in the paper at one point…”I knew I recognised you from somewhere.”  That never gets old, I love it!  Finally, I finished the story of my life and how I hurt my knee, and then he asked me some more specific questions and invited me to hop up on the table.  Manipulation of my leg and knee followed.  Everything felt fine until he moved it in a lateral way (or in some way that made me say “OW!”).  Then he pushed something in my knee around…a bit of fluid apparently.  And then he sat on my feet and did a bunch of other things - more extensive tests than I had undergone at emergency.  I sat up, and he told me it was a torn ACL.  The anterior cruciate ligament, dear gods, I have the Pavel Bure injury.  Oh, snap…literally and also just the expression.

Surgery, that’s what I need if I want to do fancy things like move diagonally, pivot, dance, twist, you know…become a ninja.  Seriously?  The only way out of this is to go under the knife?  Can you do a tummy tuck while I’m out on the table?  And give me a boob lift?  Oh!  And take the pins out of my left ankle so that when the vacuum cleaner hits it, I won’t scream bloody murder and fall to the ground sobbing?  So, what’s next?  Hurry up and wait for an MRI…and we’ll see what’s really going on.

FYI, I looked up the surgery on Wikipedia…and nearly threw up.  Bad idea.  Wow, can’t wait to have that done.  Blechhhh!