e·piph·a·ny 2017

e·piph·a·ny

əˈpifənē/

noun

noun: Epiphany; noun: epiphany; plural noun: epiphanies

the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1–12).

the festival commemorating the Epiphany on January 6.

a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being.

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

First of all, I am not religious. Not in the epiphany sense of religion anyway...so January 6th has always meant "take your Christmas tree down, the party is over." In actuality, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away it was the day when the 3 wise men arrived to give Jesus his belated birthday gifts. In Shakespeare's era, Twelfth Night was a time of bawdy pursuits, merry-making, hard drinking, and lusty encounters - well, that one sounds much more fun, though presents are good too. For me, and this year, it is going to have to mean a sudden revelation or insight. 

I need to get back to my healthy lifestyle thing. That thing I started 4 years ago. Thanks to Facebook I get updates as to what I was doing on this day in the past. Last year I was hiking in Volcano National Park on the Big Island of Hawaii, 2 years ago it was 6 weeks after my knee surgery and I was able to get myself into a nice cross-legged position after having trained at the gym, 3 years ago I was a puffy-eyed ninja-in-training who went to the gym in the morning despite having put my beloved cat, Cobweb, to sleep in the wee hours of the that day. I was a trooper, a yogini, an explorer...and today, I'm sitting on the couch writing this and wishing that I were anywhere but where I am right now.

I am 100 pounds away from where I want to be...in the last 7 months I have pretty much given up on being healthy and happy. After injuring myself (again) in June, I stopped going to the gym regularly. I was scared to restart taekwondo because of what had happened yet again in class. My willpower dwindled, and I pretty much gave up on myself. Depression followed and I turned to food once more for comfort - I pretty much ate myself silly from September to January. I wish everything were as easy as getting fat!

Today, this is my revelation: I got fat again.

My insight on the situation: At the very least, I know how to undo it.

Time to wise up.

Now someone give me some prezzies and we can call it a day.

TRICK-OR-TREAT!?!?!

Happy Hallowe'en from Dr. Frank-N-Furter

I had a very HAPPY HALLOWE'EN, Samhain, New Year, Day of the Dead, All Saints and All Souls Days...whatever you want to call it.

Like every good spook on All Hallow's Eve, I wrote some New Year's resolutions on pieces of paper which I then set alight and dropped into a cauldron.  As the leaves on the trees wither and die, so too should some of my bad habits, right?  And, yes, I still have some of those even after 10 months of healthy eating and exercising.  So with this turn of the year's wheel, I will attempt to bid adieu to some of my more unsavoury quirks.

I have been attending the EatingDisorders Programme provided by the Ministry of Child and Family Development every Thursday for the last few months.  As you know, my relationship with food has been somewhat troubled for many years...suffice it to say that I used to dive into several bags of potato chips, down 2 litres of cola, and gorge on endless combinations of mac n' cheese, ramen noodles, and canned pasta whenever I would get upset, stressed, bored...or feel any strong emotion.  It was not a healthy practice, because after stuffing my face full of junk food, I would feel physically ill, and then the shame and guilt of such a pig out would set in.  But, food and I also liked to

Karl Lagerfeld and his date, the Sweet Transvestite!

celebrate with each other.  Have a great day?  Yes, well, let's order greasy burgers, pizza, Chinese, poutine, whatever...it didn't matter, but let's not forget to get chips and pop from the store...and if we get enough food for 6 people, then we can keep eating the take-away for the next day and a half.  Mmm yummy...and I'll start my diet on Monday.  Good plan!  And, famous last words.  Needless to say, my diet...or rather lifestyle overhaul...didn't start until January 16th of this year, and has been chugging along pretty nicely since.  So why attend the Eating Disorders Programme?  Well, because once a foodaholic, always a foodaholic.  I may be in recovery, but I will always have a tendency to overeat even if it goes against my better judgement.

My GP Dr. Laura Phillips, who is the most supportive, understanding, and comprehensive doctor in the world, turned me onto the eating disorders programme after I discussed an inappropriate new inclination to skip meals, or restrict my food.  Last November and December, I was talking to her about my compulsive binge eating.  There was no better high than losing myself in a junk food orgy...and now, it seems, I'm taking cues from my high school skinny-self who ate very little because of her sweetheart's take on thick thighs.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  I get it, I've done a little transferal thing...why eat less and exercise more when I can adopt another eating disordered behaviour?  Sticking to a healthy well balanced diet that keeps my metabolism going all day, well, that's just too damn normal innit? Far too logical for me, why don't I swap one problem for another?  Haha...at least I'm aware of the situation.  It's a trick or treat kind of a thing.  And, as I've given up treats, it gets a little tricky.

Zombie Suzie...at the gym.  Yes, I worked out in this.

Before attending group sessions, I had a preliminary phone interview with someone about my eating habits.  And, following that, I had a one-on-one hour-long chat with a clinical counsellor.  Both experiences led me to ruminate over the how and why of my eating.  No real problems with food growing up, my parents encouraged healthy meals with the occasional treat, I exercised regularly and took part in sport.  I suppose it was my first real boyfriend who made me question the amount of food that was going in my mouth.  So, I just stopped eating as much...because apparently if you eat less, you are more attractive?  It doesn't really make sense, but that's how I saw it.  It must have been in Grade 12 that I first experimented with restrictive eating.  Skip breakfast, eat a recess snack, have lunch, and dinner if I was with my folks, possibly no dinner if I was with my beau.  And then everyone's happy, right?  Well, apart from me who was kinda hungry.

Then in university, I remember getting ready to go to dinner with my new boyfriend "cute boy from my archaeology class," and I asked him if I could wear the outfit that I had put on.  He looked at me as if I were crazy for asking.  But, I had become accustomed to asking for BF approval.  (And, I swore that I would never let a boy control me like that!  Gah!  I had been conditioned.)  So, later when I asked him what I should eat at the restaurant, he told me anything I wanted, of course.  Really?  Cool!  I'll have steak and lobster...just kidding.  

So how did that lead to binge eating?  Well, in my case when I cast off the shackles of restraint I embraced fairly normal eating again.  And, when I say normal, I mean normal in the sense that I wasn't counting calories and I ate a healthy well rounded diet...with the occasional sweet or savoury goodie thrown in.  I was embracing intuitive eating:  Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.  Duh!  Then I broke up with that university boyfriend, and I was sad.  So sad and mad at myself for causing the break-up, and irrationally angry with men, boys I should say...so how will I get back at them?  Well, I'll be wickedly clever, sharp witted, and wildly successful at anything I set my mind to...and then, and then they'll think..."Why did I ever break up with her?  She is sooooo fabulous."  Or I could just stew in my dorm room and eat mi goreng before I go to sleep pretty much every night.  Hmmm...what to do, what to do?

Thus began my own personal confederation of food and emotion.  You told me what to eat?  I will take back that power by eating what I like, when I like, and however much I like, thank you very much!  Who has the power now, Bucko?  Oh, and slightly larger thighs.  Awww crap.  My cunning plan has side effects, and appears to be backfiring!  Now add a lack of varsity field hockey to the mix and we've got the freshman 15....except that I was a sophomore, so I doubled it.

This Halloween.  Batman needed  little help, obviously.

And 18 years later, I was almost 300 pounds.  Okay, I may have left out some of the details of how that came to be...but you don't need to know the specifics, you need to know that I started equating food with comfort, pleasure, happiness, solace, and a bunch of other nouns that describe a state of being.  I ate for stress relief, to alleviate emotional pain, and as a way of coping with the ups and downs of life.  I was a totally normal kid (well, to a certain extent) and I gradually turned myself into a food addict who became completely obsessed with eating.

Now, on Thursdays, I go to group meetings and hang with a small number of women all affected by binge eating.  We are lead by 2 or 3 counsellors at a time who cover topics as varied as “using your wise mind,” “dialectical abstinence,” and “primary and secondary emotions”…and something about arrows.  Very fancy stuff...and it seems to be working, or at least I seem to be applying it, not only to my eating, but also every other aspect of my life.  Now I pretty much feel like I’m screwed up in lots of other ways…but at least I’m working on it.  

Swashbuckling Suzie and the Pender Pirates

After 3 months of eating right and exercising (and when I say exercising, I mean ninja training) it is my week of "active rest."  Every now and then, I indulge in what I like to call "inactive rest,"  so when Michelle (my birth-mom) invited me to Poet's Cove Resort & Spa on Pender Island for a relaxing weekend...I envisioned myself lounging on a lily pad drinking sparkling wine and enjoying the view of the ocean in the sunshine.  I was half right.

Big city girl, island bound.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Southern Gulf Islands, Pender is located in the Gulf of Georgia nestled in between Saltspring and Saturna...if you've taken the ferry to Vancouver from Victoria or vice versa, you've passed it.  It is approximately 34 square kilometres, and has a population of around 2500 full-time islanders.  Before this starts sounding like a 5th grade geography project, Pender Island to me is about getting away from the city and chilling out in one of the best backyards in the world.  And acting, and sometimes dressing like a pirate.

Queen of Cumberland - Otter Bay

Resort, sounds good.  Spa, fine with me.  Gourmet food and drink, ACK!  I was very much looking forward to spending time with Michelle and enjoying the many amenities that Poet's Cove offers, especially the spa treatments that she sprung for, but the food became an issue simply because it's, well, food...and I'm a fat girl trying to get healthy.  What I have yet to learn from my 3 months of health and fitness is to let go of the anxiety that I feel when I know that I will have to give up some control.  I just need to make good choices, and maybe not indulge in the bread and butter that will be put on the table, right?  Wine, well...I know there will be wine, I have accounted for that already.  In fact, I brought a bottle of prosecco and a granacha...just in case.  Ha!

Recycle or die!

In the past, I would celebrate a good loss with meal out or a bag of baked chips, but my mindset has changed...at present, I celebrate fewer pounds by buying some new exercise pants or a novelty t-shirt.  I now know that a weekend in the lap of luxury means: hold fast to your new ways.  Stay the course, don't let go.  Avast! (See, I told you that Pender = Pirate to me).

So off I set on the tide to a not-so-distant land, where the sirens of temptation would sing softly to me.  Hold to the code.  

Michelle met me at Otter Bay and we took land transportation from there, just as I had gotten my sea-legs.  Pender Island is the keeper of many secrets, one

Should have bought this for Vicky Voodoo!

such place is the Recycle Depot which is a treasure trove of vintage junk.  Odds and ends that may not be interesting to the average landlubber, but this pirate often picks through the "Free Store" for ancient mason jars and various medicine bottles.  Then there's the Nu-to-Yu where all your dreams and nightmares can come true.  Usually, second hand stores are slim pickings...but not this one.  There are always things that have been overlooked by islanders, for example, I couldn't resist a Benihana Geisha mug for 50 cents.  And, in true pirate fashion, I practiced a little stealth photography and snapped some pictures of the more impressive scary dollies.  Then home to Schooner Cottage to pick up supplies before our journey to Poet's Cove on the south island.

Our trek through the countryside didn't take very long, in fact, I think it took roughly 20 minutes to

Poet's Cove Resort & Spa

get from Razor Point to the resort.  The scenery was impressive as it always is in British Columbia, we saw ravens, eagles, and deer along the way - Pender Island wilderness safari complete.  Our room wasn't ready, so we headed to the spa directly.  As a big girl, I have only ever had 1 massage in my life (and that was only a month ago when Del was in town), this time I knew what to expect.  Michelle and I got a tour of the facility before we were shown into the change room - there's even a steam cave in there!  Susurrus Spa didn't disappoint, I even fit into the robe that was provided for me...added bonus!  My masseause was a tiny woman, but could she ever dig deep.  Shelley gave me the best massage - I felt every knot that she worked out disappear.  I had told her about my workout regimen, but I was not expecting the release that came with deep tissue massage.  Blissed out beyond belief, Michelle and I met up again in the cloakroom to redress...and on to our pedicures.

The view from our room...note the hot tub!

The pedicure area was slightly less ethereal and more pragmatic, though there were leather chairs and jacuzzi jetted tubs for our tootsies.  Before we got started, Michi and I picked out our colours...I chose a bright 'n' shiny turquoise because that's how I roll, she chose a colour called "Laughing in Pink" which was actually pretty much rose gold glitter.  "Just as long as it isn't called 'Laughing Stock,'" said Michelle.  Ha!  Why is it that I cannot control my laughter when I'm mid-toe painting?

"Oh, here's a good colour for you, Michelle."

"Excellent, what's it called..."

"Hang on...the printing is tiny.  It's called...'You're an idiot!'  Bahahaha..."

Suzie and Michi @ Aurora

Don't ask my why that was so funny, but it made us laugh and even the aestheticians let out a chortle or two.  I'm sure Beth got an even bigger laugh at us leaving the spa in our flip-flops slipping all over the place.  Patent leather is always a good choice, unless your feet have recently been moisturised in which case it becomes a detriment to verticality and grace.  Somehow we managed to get upstairs to our room, and what a room it was...holy view, Batman.  A perfect place to have a glass of champers and get ready for the evening's festivities.

Going...

All gussied up in our finest, including some very special flip-flops on me (as the last time I had a pedicure, I had a training session directly after and ninja and pedi do not mix), we headed to Aurora.  After 13 weeks of being totally in control of my eating, this trip to a fancy restaurant was a little daunting...and I was fortified with wine.  We were seated at a table in front of some French doors through which there was a view of Bedwell Harbour...so raw oysters were an obvious choice to start.  Michi and I followed those gorgeous bivalve molluscs

Going...

with very possibly the best halibut I have ever eaten.  If you're going to stay at a swanky place like Poet's Cove, order seafood...it's a no-brainer.  Sebastian, our fabulous German waiter, even dressed our table with some of the vermillion tulips that Michelle left at the front desk.  We went from swashbuckling pirates pillaging the Recycle and Nu-to-Yu to ladies dining at the Governor's table.  Yum.  Now, where's my corset?  That halibut was far too delish to not have a whole bunch of butter slathered all over it.

Gone!

There's a lesson in all this, but I'm not sure what it is yet. 

How am I going to survive in the full fat, extra carb, huge portion world?  I pretty much cut out all other calories on Saturday to prepare for the lavish dinner and drink that I knew I'd be having at the resort...and that is just wrong.  Why can't I figure this food thing out?  Why can't I just let go and eat healthy meals and have the occasional meal out and account for everything?  Well, actually, I know.  Being a binge eater is a bit like being an alcoholic...you can't just have one drink...or one double cheeseburger.  It opens the floodgates for further self-destructive behaviour.

After navigating the tricky waters of dinner and drinks at a five star resort, I was looking forward to smooth sailing for the rest of the weekend.  And then I was broadsided by Sunday brunch.  Who's at the helm here?  Me.  So snap out of it, Suzie...and keep making good food choices.  Oysters and halibut were relatively healthy last night, and you can figure out what to have for breakfast.  I was confronted by pancakes, French toast, quiche, bacon, sausage, omlettes to order, deep-fried hashbrown potatoes, smoked salmon, various cheeses, toast, bagels, soba noodle salad, beet salad, potato salad, and then there were the desserts....I'm not a sweets person, so all I noticed were the chocolate mousse tarts as they were pointed out to me.  What to eat?  Well, I wanted some eggs...and veggies...so I opted for an omlette without ham or cheese.  Then I opted for 2 pieces of crispy bacon...how could I not?  It's BACON.  I took a bit of the smoked salmon too, and a spoonful of the soba noodle salad, the rest of my plate I filled with fruit.  Mission accomplished.  Dangerous currents avoided.
 
And the moral of this story?  I will survive.  It's not as hard as I thought it would be in the real world...I just have to learn to trust myself and make good choices.  And also, everyone needs to get a deep tissue massage at least once in their life.

Back to the big island after a weekend of incredible views, amazing hospitality, heartfelt conversation, intense relaxation, gourmet food, and quality wine...I'm ready to axe the "active rest" and hit the gym hard...which is good, because Monday means elliptical, aerobics, indoor cycling, and that's all before lunch.