When I started writing this blog post, it was 9.05 in the morning and I had just gotten out of bed without making it, and put on our robot vacuum, Ashitaka.  But first I wasted a bunch of time snuggled under the covers checking my phone and playing with Toothless, the cat.  I have to decide what to do today.  It's Friday.  And, I haven't been out of the house in 5 days.

My first big decision today is what to do about what I am doing.  In 37 days it'll be Stéphane and my anniversary, in 57 days two of my good friends are getting married in Vancouver, in 95 days it's Halloween, in 134 days it's Stephane's office party, and in 150 days it'll be Christmas.  One small step in the right direction could make all the difference when it comes to tackling all those events.  Staying the same...won't lead anywhere.  That's what's been going on for the last 3 months.  Absolutely nothing.  (With the exception of a fabulous trip to Hawaii...so I'm not really complaining, but I am a little...kinda.)

Will today be different?  That is the question.  I have decided to not waste the day plopped in front of a TV screen waiting for my partner in crime to come home from work.  Today I will do something that makes me happy.  I will do something that will contribute to my future happiness and well-being.

I guess before I do anything I should write some of my goals down.  Classic Suzie, plan everything.  To say that I want to lose weight is an understatement...I want to be where I was in 2013 right about now...2014 would be even better, and where I was in 2015 was in a significantly better place than where I was in 2016...but 2016 wasn't bad at all...so WTF is up with 2017?  Well, I have fallen off the wagon.  There's only so much I can do to hide this weight gain before I just start hiding myself.  Oh wait.  I haven't been outside in days...guess I am in hiding.

So, Goal #1 - do something, anything, healthy.
And Goal #2 -  be grateful that you did that something/anything.  

Now the last thing I want to do at this moment is weigh myself, because that will cause me to break down knowing all the damage that I have done to this incredible body over the last few months/years.  But, the pain I suffered yesterday from simply walking around the house doing a few simple tasks was somewhat of a wake-up call.  If I don't do something about this weight fast, I'm going to live in chronic pain brought on by junk food and inactivity, and that sucks more than being a little bit hungry from time to time and getting sweaty every day at some point. 

I can do this...again.

Love yourself! Go on, I dare you...

One of the possible side effects of losing 50 odd pounds has been unmerited über confidence - reverse body dysmorphism of sorts...at least for me.  

Last Saturday I was walking around like a rockstar...wearing size 18 blue jeans and a 3X leopard print sweater.  I even pulled out my old motorcycle jacket to go with, in my head I'm all Sophie Dahl meets Beth Ditto in Jean-Paul Gauthier (here I go with the comparisons again), but really, I'm Suzie Spitfyre, a fat girl in regular clothes.  I did don a pair of fabulous Tom Ford cream-coloured cat-eye sunglasses that I purchased last year in New Orleans though, so not ALL "regular."

I used to live under the cover of darkness...my entire wardrobe was black.  And I honestly thought that was my style, very New York, very chic, very MAC, but I think it was just a way to cover up what I didn't like about my body.  It's true what they say about black being slimming, but come on...how svelte can you look at 292 pounds?  On Saturday, I wasn't wearng a stitch of black...in fact, the only black that I had on was my eyeliner and mascara.  It made me wonder, how many people are out there running around, as I had been, hiding themselves under clothes that don't really do anything for them...clothes that don't express their style or personality?  Clothes that expound shame, self-loathing, and fear.

It is true that plus-size clothing leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to fit, colours, patterns, availability, cut, and cost, but they should never make you feel hopeless, unworthy, and depressed.  In the past, when I would get a new piece or an outfit even, I don't think I ever felt sexy or good about it, I was just thrilled that it bloody well fit.  And, that's a terrible way to live.  They are only  clothes after all!  They shouldn't dictate you mood or demeanor.  But, I couldn't have been the only one who yelled at their husband for throwing that extra, extra, extra large chemise that it took me years to find and went perfectly with all of my extra, extra, extra large dresses in the dryer.  I put so much stock into that one piece of clothing, that when it was shrunk beyond all recognition my life, for a few minutes, was over.  How horrible is that?

The other day I stumbled upon a page on social media called Big Hips and Red Lips - "A celebration of life, love, laughter, lust, and learning to love your body."  This page helped me see things slightly differently, it embraced beauty at all sizes, and made me think maybe I should have started this love affair with myself much, much sooner.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I hated myself all the time....but I certainly embraced a lot of negative self-talk.  "If only I could lose some weight, then I'd be happy.  If only my thighs were smaller, if only my boobs were perkier, if only my gut didn't jiggle so much,"  I said a lot of mean things to myself, and I started to believe them.  And, don't be fooled, this isn't just a fat chick thing...this is universal.  I know plenty of girls and guys of all shapes and sizes who want to change this and that...and my point is...LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE!  Don't be afraid to accept yourself and rock out what you've got.

This is such an important message, because I've been there, and I know how it feels.  I have experienced thin, fat, toned, lumpy, fit, flabby, and everything in between.  If I had loved myself the way I was, whatever I was and taken care of the important things like my health, I wouldn't be posting this...but I didn't, so here I am pleading with my audience to accept themselves.  It's much easier to change the things you don't like if you know yourself and love yourself no matter what.  I now have the extreme pleasure of changing my life.  A change spurred on by the Times Colonist Health Challenge, but also a change spurred on by the triumph of the human spirit, and the knowledge that healthy and hopeful is much better, mentally and physically, than unhealthy and hopeless.

I am still going through this process of practicing radical self-love and body acceptance.  There are still times when I feel amazing, sexy, and powerful, and then I see a picture that someone has taken of me and posted online, and I think, wow, do I ever have a long way to go.  But, that doesn't get me down any more...that simply gets me even more motivated do everything I can to reach my health and fitness goals.

In the words of the saucy redhead behind the front desk of the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre, "People see you how you see yourself."

So I conclude:  Confidence is always sexy...no matter what size you are.