I was born without an OFF switch...

Or a STOP button....and I'm not even sure that I even have PAUSE.  

This is a bit of a problem when it comes to working, talking, fitness, eating, drinking, and well, pretty much everything.  

For example...when I'm at work, I blow through breaks and keep painting faces and helping people long after my shift has finished...I should really wear a watch, but I just get so stuck into what I do, I keep going.  Same goes for talking, I go on and on and absolutely revel in conversation - especially good chats with old friends or new friends that have strong opinions or just anyone who enjoys life and shooting the breeze - dinner parties fly by, as do 3 hour phone calls to Montréal.  As for fitness, well, I go all out on that to, when I have a day that I can dedicate to working out, it's not unusual for me to bike to my ninja training, workout with my ninja personal trainer, have a little break and a snack, do a MIJO bootcamp for an hour, then bike home...only to return to yet another gym later that evening to kick pads with a bunch of other taekwondo aficionados.  Obviously, eating and drinking are the same...when I'm hungry, I eat (sometimes the wrong things and too much) and when I'm thirsty I drink  (also sometimes the wrong things and too much), and I cook and experiment and bake and enjoy restaurants and bars.  I am not a half-asser, when I do something, I always use my full ass.
 
So, when I busted my ACL in taekwondo over a year ago and every doctor I spoke to said SURGERY...I may have freaked out, just a little bit.  Okay, no...there is no such thing as a little bit.  I fully freaked out (full-assed) - I cried, had a hissy fit, I went silent, I retreated into the dark recesses of my mind, and I panicked.  How could I take time off?  I have a schedule!  I have been working out up to 6 days a week most weeks and following an online eating plan that has me logging everything that goes in my mouth...even the junk...and since June, I've been struggling...bouncing up and down in the 140s and then settling back into the 150s.  Which isn't the end of the world, I may have actually even accepted the fact that my body is more comfortable a little heavier.  Shock!  Horror!  But, give up exercise?!  NO WAY!  How will I be able to de-stress if I can't hit the treadmill and rock out a run with my favourite workout mix blaring in my ears?  I can't just turn off, I can't hit stop...not even pause.  And then the date was set for surgery.  November 25th, 2014.

My injury occurred October 2013, initial diagnosis with sports medicine doctor was in November of 2013, and I finally saw the orthopaedic surgeon in February of 2014, so in June when I was informed surgery would be in November, it seemed so far off that I just put it out of my mind.  And like so many other things, November just crept up on me.  At 3 months until surgery, I vowed to make a concerted effort to get in the best shape of my life...I even searched online for a 90 day whiteboard calendar.  Then again at 2 months until my reconstruction I "recommitted" to getting into shape.  At 6 weeks out, I did the same, then 4 weeks, 3, 2, and 1...same deal.  Good intentions all of them, and I don't know whether it was fear of surgery that led me to eat the occasional bag of Doritos or hot dog, but for some reason, my eating was way off, though my gym time was not.  I still stress eat, even after all this time.  Like I said, I don't have an off switch...or a pause button...so I kept training like an athlete.  Faced with the impending hospital time, I tried to get rid of the negative and indulged in good exercise, splurged on nutritious food, and let go of the doubts in my mind.  What does my yoga teacher call it?!  Self-care.  I tried that out for a change.

Going into surgery I had a certain confidence about me.  After coming out of a very good week of clean eating, optimal exercise, and just enough rest to prepare my body and mind for a routine but fairly involved operation, I took a deep breath, pressed pause...and a little voice in my head told me, "Everything is going to be fine."

And it was.

Iron Goddess & the Christmas Conundrum

To get through the latest part of my quest for health and fitness, I've had to find some serious steely resolve.  As Iron Goddess, I have shown a certain amount of dedication, determination, and discipline thus far, but what I didn't expect was the holiday season effect.  

The Christmas conundrum is this:  "You've done so well, look how tiny you are!  Surely, you deserve a break...a rest...a treat...another drink.  It's Christmas time." etc. etc. etc.  This happens most frequently at parties, dinners, girls' nights, afternoon sessions, open houses, evenings at the pub, family gatherings, restaurants...pretty much anywhere there's an opportunity for me to do something "naughty" when it comes to eating or drinking.  Now, I understand why a host(ess), friend, colleague, or whoever would say something like that, because they just want me to relax and enjoy myself.  They are giving me permission to let go for a bit - that's all fine and dandy for other people, but I am not other people.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I've got to choose nice over naughty if I want to reach my goal.  I'm still in the process, I can't let the Baby Jesus' birthday celebration screw me up.  

So how do I deal with ubiquitous holiday parties?  Well, for that I take a cue from the tenets of Taekwondo. 

1. Courtesy - Ye Ui - Be courteousness to the host(ess).  I thank him/her for inviting me, give a gift for being gracious enough to have me over, invite me to the dinner, or ask me to be involved in whatever the festive occasion...and I don't tell her/him that I'm not really going to eat because I don't exactly know what's in any of the food and my body really doesn't need all those high fat, high carb goodies anyway.  I will, however, go crazy at the fruit and veggie platters or eat some of the appetiser I brought...luckily, no one really notices this, because I'm super chatty and always have a glass of something in my hand.  Who says if you give up the treats, you can't have a good time, eh?  Cheers!

2. Integrity - Yom Chi - With integrity, one is able to define what is right and wrong and live a life of principle and morality.  Well, as you know, I have a Croatian conscience who keeps me somewhat in line; but having said that, choosing between right and wrong has often been easy over difficult, tasty over bland, lazy over industrious for me...but not anymore.  Adherence to my new healthy lifestyle is correct, slipping back into old habits is not.  No 13 trips to the buffet this holiday season.  It's about embracing the change and making decisions such as this:  No unhealthy food...only wine.  Wait!  No.  Awww...man, I gotta work on this one. 

3. Perseverance - In Nae - is all about having patience.  I knew getting into this whole health challenge that it would take time, and that I would need to keep at it if I were ever going to reach my ultimate goal.  Perseverance is knowing that I can overcome any difficulty through time and discipline.  It is the realisation that if I let go and eat and drink anything I want at a holiday party, that it will have some consequences.  And, at the same time if I do let go and eat and drink anything I want for, well, let's say Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, that perseverance means accepting the aftermath of said actions and forging onwards without dwelling on 2 days of frivolous behaviour.  I have endured almost 12 months of exercise and clean eating, and I am not about to throw all of that out the window for some turkey and mash...and, so I continue on the path to health and fitness despite what may have happened on the 24th and 25th.  Perseverance is accepting slip ups, forgiving yourself, and continuing down the righteous road.

4. Self-Control - Guk Gi - “He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty" - Lao-tzu.  Christmas or not, this may be the most difficult of all the tenets for me to follow.  As a binge eater, self-control is not my strong suit...and now, in an ironic reversal of fortunes, restriction is how I exert governance over myself.  I realise this is not appropriate, and I am working on it...I suppose I feel the need to punish myself for misbehaving...or for past bad behaviour.  Before you think that I am dabbling in anorexia, it doesn't happen all the time but it is there, it rears its ugly head occasionally.  Self-control for me is being able to maintain my healthy lifestyle without the pendulum swinging too far in any direction.  I am someone who strives for perfection, this is very difficult for me to accept, though I realise that I need sustainability.  As Iron Goddess, I am in complete control of my person...mentally, physically, and emotionally, as Suzie Spitfyre I'm still a fat girl trying to get healthy.

5. Indomitable Spirit - Baekjul Boolgool - having the courage of one's convictions.  Despite the odds being stacked against me this holiday season, I will triumph over the never-ending buffets, ever-flowing fountains of drink, and the overwhelming draw of the Christmas couch.  I will not be easily defeated, discouraged, or subdued...and thank gods there are only 5 more days of this nonsense!  As much as I love festivities with friends and family, exerting iron will over what used to beat me into submission has been hard.  Though I wasn't perfect, I did my best...and lived to fight another day...for I am Iron Goddess and I am indomitable.

Injured Ninja.

In October, when my leg shot out from under me in taekwondo, I thought it was a sprain…and so did the emergency room doctor.  He said I should be up and running in a few days, give it a couple days of RICE…no, my leg isn’t Japanese - that means Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation…and then start back by getting on a stationary cycle or something.  And I did that, in fact, I took an entire week off of training and gained 5 pounds.  No big deal, I lost it throughout the course of the next week when I started working out again. 

And, I worked out pretty hard around my bum knee for the next 5 weeks…until the ninja and I tested it (because it was feeling strong) by doing some lateral exercises.  I was on my 5th round of squat shuffles when it gave out on me again.  Same sensation of snap-no-control-of-anything-below-my-thigh, but this time I was lucky…I was able to throw my weight back on my good leg and hop to the railing and then sink down to the floor in a puddle of feeling sorry for myself and a reasonable amount of pain.  Again, I did not cry.  Ninjas-in-training don’t cry in front of real ninjas.  Or at least, you wouldn’t be able to see them do it…they are nearly ninjas after all.

After that set back, I took 3 days off to recover…I didn’t need as much time as it wasn’t as bad as the first fall but, it was quite a shock.  I really thought I’d healed.  Recently, someone asked me if I could have one super power, what would it be?  I always say flying, but this time I didn’t.  This time I said REGENERATION.  I am scared of heights, and generally when I fly in my dreams…I end up travelling at unsafe speeds and getting caught up in power lines and such.  Regeneration though, imagine being about to self-heal!  That would be cool.  Of course, when I answered her…I imagined myself having an adamantium skeleton complete with giant knives that protrude out of my knuckles at will, but I digress.  Needless to say, at the moment, I could use me some healing powers…because as I found out last week at the musculoskeletal clinic, my knee is broken.

Maybe 10 days after pop-goes-the-knee-for-the-second-time I went to my doctor and she referred me to a sports medicine specialist, who I then saw last week.  I am able to work out, but it’s a bit more difficult because I’m not able to twist or pivot or pretty much do anything that involves more than moving in a straight line.   At Rebalance MD, I checked in with the MOA, and she gave me an easy peasy background sheet to fill out.  When I say easy peasy, I mean 20 pages of medical history, diagrams of the human body that you annotate and use symbols to point out where it hurts and how much, then there’s the patient info section, the obligatory do you smoke?  Do you drink?  Are you left or right handed (in case the physician wants to know if you’re an analytical thinker or a creative soul)?  I didn’t finish it, I was called into the examination room before I hit page 16.  So, while I waited for Dr. Sports-Medicine-Guy I kept filling it in. 

Explanation of how I got my initial injury:  I went up for a quick kick in taekwondo and my knee felt like it dislocated and then it fell out from under me and I ended up on the floor in a lot of pain (or, not a lot of pain, according to the ninja who will not credit me with a high pain tolerance…even though in 1993 I suffered through 5 days of a broken jaw without realising that it was broken straight through and I’ve had quite a lot of tattoos…which are quite painful despite what macho rockabilly boys will tell you...so there).

Explanation of how I injured myself further:  I was in the middle of a training session, and it was all fine and dandy until the little bugger gave out on me again in much the same way.

The moustachioed physician, Dr. Gershman, looked over my wrap sheet and my file…apparently I have one even though it was my first time seeing him, my reputation precedes me!  Har har.  Anyway, I told him what kind of training I was doing and how much I was doing and then I told him about how much weight I had lost and then he asked me if it was me in the paper at one point…”I knew I recognised you from somewhere.”  That never gets old, I love it!  Finally, I finished the story of my life and how I hurt my knee, and then he asked me some more specific questions and invited me to hop up on the table.  Manipulation of my leg and knee followed.  Everything felt fine until he moved it in a lateral way (or in some way that made me say “OW!”).  Then he pushed something in my knee around…a bit of fluid apparently.  And then he sat on my feet and did a bunch of other things - more extensive tests than I had undergone at emergency.  I sat up, and he told me it was a torn ACL.  The anterior cruciate ligament, dear gods, I have the Pavel Bure injury.  Oh, snap…literally and also just the expression.

Surgery, that’s what I need if I want to do fancy things like move diagonally, pivot, dance, twist, you know…become a ninja.  Seriously?  The only way out of this is to go under the knife?  Can you do a tummy tuck while I’m out on the table?  And give me a boob lift?  Oh!  And take the pins out of my left ankle so that when the vacuum cleaner hits it, I won’t scream bloody murder and fall to the ground sobbing?  So, what’s next?  Hurry up and wait for an MRI…and we’ll see what’s really going on.

FYI, I looked up the surgery on Wikipedia…and nearly threw up.  Bad idea.  Wow, can’t wait to have that done.  Blechhhh!