e·piph·a·ny 2017

e·piph·a·ny

əˈpifənē/

noun

noun: Epiphany; noun: epiphany; plural noun: epiphanies

the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1–12).

the festival commemorating the Epiphany on January 6.

a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being.

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

First of all, I am not religious. Not in the epiphany sense of religion anyway...so January 6th has always meant "take your Christmas tree down, the party is over." In actuality, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away it was the day when the 3 wise men arrived to give Jesus his belated birthday gifts. In Shakespeare's era, Twelfth Night was a time of bawdy pursuits, merry-making, hard drinking, and lusty encounters - well, that one sounds much more fun, though presents are good too. For me, and this year, it is going to have to mean a sudden revelation or insight. 

I need to get back to my healthy lifestyle thing. That thing I started 4 years ago. Thanks to Facebook I get updates as to what I was doing on this day in the past. Last year I was hiking in Volcano National Park on the Big Island of Hawaii, 2 years ago it was 6 weeks after my knee surgery and I was able to get myself into a nice cross-legged position after having trained at the gym, 3 years ago I was a puffy-eyed ninja-in-training who went to the gym in the morning despite having put my beloved cat, Cobweb, to sleep in the wee hours of the that day. I was a trooper, a yogini, an explorer...and today, I'm sitting on the couch writing this and wishing that I were anywhere but where I am right now.

I am 100 pounds away from where I want to be...in the last 7 months I have pretty much given up on being healthy and happy. After injuring myself (again) in June, I stopped going to the gym regularly. I was scared to restart taekwondo because of what had happened yet again in class. My willpower dwindled, and I pretty much gave up on myself. Depression followed and I turned to food once more for comfort - I pretty much ate myself silly from September to January. I wish everything were as easy as getting fat!

Today, this is my revelation: I got fat again.

My insight on the situation: At the very least, I know how to undo it.

Time to wise up.

Now someone give me some prezzies and we can call it a day.

TRICK-OR-TREAT!?!?!

Happy Hallowe'en from Dr. Frank-N-Furter

I had a very HAPPY HALLOWE'EN, Samhain, New Year, Day of the Dead, All Saints and All Souls Days...whatever you want to call it.

Like every good spook on All Hallow's Eve, I wrote some New Year's resolutions on pieces of paper which I then set alight and dropped into a cauldron.  As the leaves on the trees wither and die, so too should some of my bad habits, right?  And, yes, I still have some of those even after 10 months of healthy eating and exercising.  So with this turn of the year's wheel, I will attempt to bid adieu to some of my more unsavoury quirks.

I have been attending the EatingDisorders Programme provided by the Ministry of Child and Family Development every Thursday for the last few months.  As you know, my relationship with food has been somewhat troubled for many years...suffice it to say that I used to dive into several bags of potato chips, down 2 litres of cola, and gorge on endless combinations of mac n' cheese, ramen noodles, and canned pasta whenever I would get upset, stressed, bored...or feel any strong emotion.  It was not a healthy practice, because after stuffing my face full of junk food, I would feel physically ill, and then the shame and guilt of such a pig out would set in.  But, food and I also liked to

Karl Lagerfeld and his date, the Sweet Transvestite!

celebrate with each other.  Have a great day?  Yes, well, let's order greasy burgers, pizza, Chinese, poutine, whatever...it didn't matter, but let's not forget to get chips and pop from the store...and if we get enough food for 6 people, then we can keep eating the take-away for the next day and a half.  Mmm yummy...and I'll start my diet on Monday.  Good plan!  And, famous last words.  Needless to say, my diet...or rather lifestyle overhaul...didn't start until January 16th of this year, and has been chugging along pretty nicely since.  So why attend the Eating Disorders Programme?  Well, because once a foodaholic, always a foodaholic.  I may be in recovery, but I will always have a tendency to overeat even if it goes against my better judgement.

My GP Dr. Laura Phillips, who is the most supportive, understanding, and comprehensive doctor in the world, turned me onto the eating disorders programme after I discussed an inappropriate new inclination to skip meals, or restrict my food.  Last November and December, I was talking to her about my compulsive binge eating.  There was no better high than losing myself in a junk food orgy...and now, it seems, I'm taking cues from my high school skinny-self who ate very little because of her sweetheart's take on thick thighs.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  I get it, I've done a little transferal thing...why eat less and exercise more when I can adopt another eating disordered behaviour?  Sticking to a healthy well balanced diet that keeps my metabolism going all day, well, that's just too damn normal innit? Far too logical for me, why don't I swap one problem for another?  Haha...at least I'm aware of the situation.  It's a trick or treat kind of a thing.  And, as I've given up treats, it gets a little tricky.

Zombie Suzie...at the gym.  Yes, I worked out in this.

Before attending group sessions, I had a preliminary phone interview with someone about my eating habits.  And, following that, I had a one-on-one hour-long chat with a clinical counsellor.  Both experiences led me to ruminate over the how and why of my eating.  No real problems with food growing up, my parents encouraged healthy meals with the occasional treat, I exercised regularly and took part in sport.  I suppose it was my first real boyfriend who made me question the amount of food that was going in my mouth.  So, I just stopped eating as much...because apparently if you eat less, you are more attractive?  It doesn't really make sense, but that's how I saw it.  It must have been in Grade 12 that I first experimented with restrictive eating.  Skip breakfast, eat a recess snack, have lunch, and dinner if I was with my folks, possibly no dinner if I was with my beau.  And then everyone's happy, right?  Well, apart from me who was kinda hungry.

Then in university, I remember getting ready to go to dinner with my new boyfriend "cute boy from my archaeology class," and I asked him if I could wear the outfit that I had put on.  He looked at me as if I were crazy for asking.  But, I had become accustomed to asking for BF approval.  (And, I swore that I would never let a boy control me like that!  Gah!  I had been conditioned.)  So, later when I asked him what I should eat at the restaurant, he told me anything I wanted, of course.  Really?  Cool!  I'll have steak and lobster...just kidding.  

So how did that lead to binge eating?  Well, in my case when I cast off the shackles of restraint I embraced fairly normal eating again.  And, when I say normal, I mean normal in the sense that I wasn't counting calories and I ate a healthy well rounded diet...with the occasional sweet or savoury goodie thrown in.  I was embracing intuitive eating:  Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.  Duh!  Then I broke up with that university boyfriend, and I was sad.  So sad and mad at myself for causing the break-up, and irrationally angry with men, boys I should say...so how will I get back at them?  Well, I'll be wickedly clever, sharp witted, and wildly successful at anything I set my mind to...and then, and then they'll think..."Why did I ever break up with her?  She is sooooo fabulous."  Or I could just stew in my dorm room and eat mi goreng before I go to sleep pretty much every night.  Hmmm...what to do, what to do?

Thus began my own personal confederation of food and emotion.  You told me what to eat?  I will take back that power by eating what I like, when I like, and however much I like, thank you very much!  Who has the power now, Bucko?  Oh, and slightly larger thighs.  Awww crap.  My cunning plan has side effects, and appears to be backfiring!  Now add a lack of varsity field hockey to the mix and we've got the freshman 15....except that I was a sophomore, so I doubled it.

This Halloween.  Batman needed  little help, obviously.

And 18 years later, I was almost 300 pounds.  Okay, I may have left out some of the details of how that came to be...but you don't need to know the specifics, you need to know that I started equating food with comfort, pleasure, happiness, solace, and a bunch of other nouns that describe a state of being.  I ate for stress relief, to alleviate emotional pain, and as a way of coping with the ups and downs of life.  I was a totally normal kid (well, to a certain extent) and I gradually turned myself into a food addict who became completely obsessed with eating.

Now, on Thursdays, I go to group meetings and hang with a small number of women all affected by binge eating.  We are lead by 2 or 3 counsellors at a time who cover topics as varied as “using your wise mind,” “dialectical abstinence,” and “primary and secondary emotions”…and something about arrows.  Very fancy stuff...and it seems to be working, or at least I seem to be applying it, not only to my eating, but also every other aspect of my life.  Now I pretty much feel like I’m screwed up in lots of other ways…but at least I’m working on it.  

Monster Munch

The Monster Muncher with her Monster Munch

There were only 3 of us who attended the information session at the Eating Disorders Programme.  I have to admit to feeling a bit uncomfortable participating in such a meeting as I certainly don't look like I've been restricting calories or purging...and the programme caters to people living with and/or affected by eating disorders, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and/or eating disorder not otherwise specified.  The latter is the category in which I think I fall.

I have been a binge eater, with no purging, for the last...I don't know how long.  A shameful practice that I started training for when I returned from university one spring.  My friends and I would stay up late, rent movies and each of us would grab a large bag of chips to go with.  I don't know when 1 bag became a couple, for variety's sake, but I gradually stretched my stomach to fit the entire contents of both.  With this sort of training, it wasn't long before I could fit in some mac n' cheese or ramen noodles or fast food or Chinese.  And if I did indeed eat breakfast the next day, it would be leftover BBQ crisps or some sort of processed noodles or the remnants of the disgraceful feast of the previous afternoon, evening, or late night.  The heartburn I suffered was ridiculous.

Hot dog...it's what's for breakfast

This became my normal.  It would ebb and flow depending on my emotions.  I did most of my binging in private, away from scrutiny, gorging on fast food and drink, convenience store junk, and things I could order off of menus stuffed into my mailbox.  After a championship round of gluttony, I would hide the evidence lest someone close to me find out what I had been eating.  I would pack up all the proof of my pig-out and toss it in the building's communal bins or even in the trash outside on the street.  I was so embarrassed by my addiction.

Prajnaparadha - crimes against wisdom - binge eating is lawlessness against one's better judgment.  Why would I do this to myself?  The more I ate, the worse I felt, the bigger I got, and the more contempt I had for "me."

When I sprained my ankle in November of 2012, upon my return from New Orleans I saw an orthopaedic surgeon who gave me a huge reality check.  It didn't help that I had once seen him play the Lord High Executioner in Gilbert & Sullivan's Mikado, what he had to say dropped my penny so to speak.  The reason the injury was so massive was, in short, due to my weight.  Joints are not meant to hold up such poundage.  And he told me so.  Then I cried.  He told me that I wouldn't be able to stand long days on my foot, so there went work.  Medical leave, injury, and insult...well, not insult, but I think I finally realised I was killing myself with food.  Drinkers drink, junkies do drugs, and I ate. 

The counsellor explained the programme, defined eating disorders, and voiced the philosophies of the clinic.  This facility and all that work there is such an amazing resource in our community...and even though I found out about it through my family doctor...it is available through self-referral.

I am currently in my 10th week of the Times Colonist Health Challenge.  2 weeks in, when

The beige meal - steak, frites, gravy, bread, and butter

Sandra McCollough - the reporter that is covering the story, asked me what I would change if I could do something differently in the past,  I said I wouldn't change a thing.  Actually, I think I said that I lived my life without regret because every single thing I do and have done is a learning experience...and right or wrong, good or bad, the culmination of all my experiences has made me the person that I am today.  When I think about that statement and think back to how my food addiction started, the emotional and stress binge eating took over, and how I cultivated it for all those years...I really wish I had done something like this sooner.  But I didn't.  How many of us can be totally honest with ourselves, our doctors, our peers, our friends and family?  Experts, relatives, and confidants can tell us over and over until they are blue in the face what is best for us...but it isn't until we ourselves accept the reality of our own health that we are moved to change. 

Reaching out for a helping hand isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of self-acceptance and a catalyst for positive personal development.     

"We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge."

Stanford: Before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.
Carrie: Do I judge?
Stanford: We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge.

The more yoga I do, the more enlightened I become, the less I judge.  Would but that were true, but I have to admit to being a bit opinionated.  My friends and I constantly give each other "boyfriends."  We also point out style mistakes, nous sommes aussi les fashion police.  That is all part of my cardio.  However, I also frequently prosecute myself...every time I put on clothes, go for a workout, or eat something...I am constantly in my head judging myself.

This is not a healthy practice.

 

Tonight's yoga session (Taryn's fabulous Tuesday night yoga for recovery @ MokSana focused on Prajnaparadha (noun, Sanskrit) - "Crimes against Wisdom" or deliberate, willful indulgence in unhealthy practices that lead to unbalanced body functions and disease.  Particularly poignant for people in recovery, but also relevant for all of us who energeticaly indulge in negative thought patterns.

Today, I also attended an information session at The Eating Disorders Programme (South Vancouver Island) which really made me think I should have contacted them ages ago, but such is life, hindsight is 20/20.  It embarrasses me to admit that before this challenge, I was a huge (pun intended) binge eater.  It was uncontrollable, I would restrict my eating until after work and then I would get so much junk food and just eat my way through it until the soda was gone, the chips were departed, the mac and cheese was decimated, and the full meal deals were annihilated.  I can't believe I don't have scurvy...I should with my former eating patterns. 

So what did I learn today?  Well, several things.  

This particular Tuesday was the day after the day after St. Patrick's day, so the first thing I learned was that after Sunday's revelry, it was good to get back to my routine of working out both morning and night.  I started today with cardio (treadmill and elliptical), had a bit of a rest and then worked out with Jonathan.  Tuesdays normally mean running stairs, but the ninja switched it up and I did a couple exercises on the Kinesis machine mixed with a rotation of step-ups.  And, I think I'm getting better at lunges amongst other things...yes!  Maybe that's why the ninja was more chatty?  Haha...whatever it was, I'll take it.  Personal training and make-up art are very different fields indeed.  My MAC friends will appreciate this, I have been "style-stepping" my ass off, quite literally!

After a quick blog and some food...I also learned that my walk is still slower than I would like it to be, but I still walked 2.5 kilometers in the winter chill in less time that I thought it would take.  I had no idea that Victoria was so walkable.  

When I got to my destination, I attended a power point presentation on what the eating disorders programme was all about.