Blogaffair 2018

Ah!  Nice to see you, Bloggy Bloggertons.  We have to stop meeting like this...under that big magical moon.

The beginning is always so engaging and fulfilling.  I get butterflies around you, thinking of what is to come.  I promise to be true and you give me so much freedom...but sometimes I take liberties.  Forget to check in.  But when I wake up to you the next morning...with all those things swirling in my head that I want to say to you, well, you know me, I can't resist a little morning write.  If I don't get to it early, sometimes I don't get to it at all.  And I've been a bit fickle in the last couple of years...and I feel like I want to get to know you again. 

I'm sorry our rendez-vous have been few and far between as of late...but let's rekindle that old flame, shall we?

Mama Spitfyre needs a bit of mojo. 

Happy New Year

x

When I started writing this blog post, it was 9.05 in the morning and I had just gotten out of bed without making it, and put on our robot vacuum, Ashitaka.  But first I wasted a bunch of time snuggled under the covers checking my phone and playing with Toothless, the cat.  I have to decide what to do today.  It's Friday.  And, I haven't been out of the house in 5 days.

My first big decision today is what to do about what I am doing.  In 37 days it'll be Stéphane and my anniversary, in 57 days two of my good friends are getting married in Vancouver, in 95 days it's Halloween, in 134 days it's Stephane's office party, and in 150 days it'll be Christmas.  One small step in the right direction could make all the difference when it comes to tackling all those events.  Staying the same...won't lead anywhere.  That's what's been going on for the last 3 months.  Absolutely nothing.  (With the exception of a fabulous trip to Hawaii...so I'm not really complaining, but I am a little...kinda.)

Will today be different?  That is the question.  I have decided to not waste the day plopped in front of a TV screen waiting for my partner in crime to come home from work.  Today I will do something that makes me happy.  I will do something that will contribute to my future happiness and well-being.

I guess before I do anything I should write some of my goals down.  Classic Suzie, plan everything.  To say that I want to lose weight is an understatement...I want to be where I was in 2013 right about now...2014 would be even better, and where I was in 2015 was in a significantly better place than where I was in 2016...but 2016 wasn't bad at all...so WTF is up with 2017?  Well, I have fallen off the wagon.  There's only so much I can do to hide this weight gain before I just start hiding myself.  Oh wait.  I haven't been outside in days...guess I am in hiding.

So, Goal #1 - do something, anything, healthy.
And Goal #2 -  be grateful that you did that something/anything.  

Now the last thing I want to do at this moment is weigh myself, because that will cause me to break down knowing all the damage that I have done to this incredible body over the last few months/years.  But, the pain I suffered yesterday from simply walking around the house doing a few simple tasks was somewhat of a wake-up call.  If I don't do something about this weight fast, I'm going to live in chronic pain brought on by junk food and inactivity, and that sucks more than being a little bit hungry from time to time and getting sweaty every day at some point. 

I can do this...again.

Elephant relativism.

I have always had very good memory.  I remember random things that happened in high school a million years ago, and I'll also remember what everyone was wearing when it happened.  Stored in the deepest recesses of my mind are completely obscure facts about ancient mythology from my years of studying Classics at Concordia University, modern cooking techniques learned by watching far too much Food Network, horticulture for balconies and window boxes via my mother, and strangely almost all of the lyrics to arbitrary songs from the 1990s.  That's how my memory works...like an elephant, I remember things.

So why, oh why, did I forget what it was like to be fat?

Since the crunchy, poppy kneeness of June 2016, I have been eating and drinking myself into my former state of being.  And I seem to have lost all recollection of how difficult it was to be overweight, and dare I admit this, obese.

The last time I was fairly regular with my workouts (other than going to taekwondo class) was in the autumn and winter of 2015.  While visiting family in Montréal, I made arrangements to work out with friends, find a gym, find a yoga studio, and try and counteract the damage I was doing by eating out and drinking daily - and may I add, that I cheated a few times when it came to food on my trip, but I was pretty good about choosing healthy options.  I was something like 170 pounds, and though I was annoyed that my weight had gone up...I remained confident and happy. 

When I got back from Montréal, I started working a lot more regularly, and so I made sure to hit the gym before my shifts.  At that point, I had joined the "5AM Club," and I managed to do at least an hour of cardio before getting gussied up to work the floor as a painter of faces.  After Christmas break, I was off to Hawaii - I had gained a further 10 pounds, but it wasn't the end of the world, and there would be walking, exploring, hiking, swimming etc.  Not to worry.  Still content with life, I was in Hawaii, and there were all kinds of bodies out and about.  Not at all concerned about my "beach body," I was just thrilled to hit the poke bars and body surf at Magic Sands daily.  Good times.

1 definition of relativism

1. a theory that knowledge is relative to the limited nature of the mind and the conditions of knowing    

So what is elephant relativism?!  The further away I am from a state of being, the less I remember what it was like to live that way.  Which can be blissful or incredibly difficult.  The problem (and elephant part) is, recently my memory has been jogged...the first time I have jogged in 2017, in fact.

Things I forgot about being obese:

• Always waking up in the wet spot (from night sweats, get your mind out of the gutter)
• Shaving various parts of your body involves rigorous effort and training in contortion
• Sometimes towels don't fit
• Getting yourself into a bra is an intricate mix of origami and optimism (and you still get double boob, side boob, under boob)
• Dress code is always back, with a generous helping of loose and leggings
• Being overly effected by anxiety and depression  
• Low self esteem and a lack of confidence
• The cycle of binge eating
• Hopelessness

 

Wow, that turned pretty serious pretty fast.  But, right now, it's how I feel.  I am a hopeless, binge eating 250 pound woman who is again suffering from anxiety and depression which is leading to a lack of confidence and self esteem.  I have 3 outfits, none of which I like.  I would like to take off an article of clothing without being marked by it, and I would also like to sweat at appropriate times.  Don't worry, I also remember other things... 

Things I remember about being fit:

• Hitting the gym in the morning before I had a chance to think about it or change my mind, and then sometimes doubling up at night
• Getting an endorphin rush part way into my workout and really enjoying the process 
• Constantly being sweaty (whether at the gym or on the dance floor)
• Drinking insane amounts of water and being satisfied by smaller portions or healthy foods
• There will always be boob origami (when they are smaller they still need to be folded into shape), it's a process
• Being able to express myself through my outfits
• Endless energy to do things
• Feeling that there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome
• Realisation of goals
• Positivity

It's pretty obvious which state of being is my preferred truth.  Though not necessarily mutually exclusive whilst experiencing the in-between, the latter is a much better option for which to strive.  Going forward, I will mindfully go through the process of transforming myself so as not to lose track of where I came from and where I want to go.  Ideally, be more like an elephant in mind, to be less like one in body.

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

Hey, remember when I had that epiphany on Epiphany?  Well, I put off doing anything about my confessed weight gain...how about that?!  

You know, the "I'll do something about that tomorrow," type of thing?  Guys, it's been tomorrow 17 times since I wrote that post, and I still haven't gotten my fat ass to the gym, or revamped my eating habits.  Well, that changes today.  

Why am I so bloody scared?!  I am having anxiety attacks about changing my lifestyle back to what it was 4 years ago, I am scared of giving up what I think is making me happy but is actually contributing to my weight gain and subsequently my depression.

AND to top that off, my Croatian conscience has gone back to hurting my feelings...and not even in Croatian!

"You've put on quite a bit of weight.  We need to turn that around.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I'm not going to sugar coat things.  It serves no one.  Neither does enabling you.

So have a good cry and get back to tracking your food, go to the gym, and don't waste your calories on wine." 

*Crosses arms in front of chest and pouts*  I hate it when he's right.

Today I took a step towards my future.  I decided to reset all my various fitness and weight loss goals on all of my many fitness and weight loss apps and websites.  And you know that's a bit deal, because I had to try and go back through all the days that I did track all the shit that I did that was unhealthy and delete the evidence.  Suzie means business.

SIDE NOTE:  Damn you:  Lose It, Bodybuilding.com, and Fitbit for making it impossible for me to reset all my information and make it look like I just recently decided to take control of my health.  There's nothing more infuriating than being unable to wipe the slate clean, to make vanish the past that wasn't so perfect.  But, I guess that's just like real life.  It's hard to say that you are still committed to a healthy lifestyle when you have visibly gained a tonne of weight.  I'm not going to go around and say that I have been really good with my eating, while also having kept on top of my exercising, because it's kind of obvious that that has not been the case.  The jig is up.

Today, I write down my intentions.  Today I prep my meals for the week.  Today I organise my schedule.   AND, Tomorrow I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

Good morning, Weed Wacker!

I'm up, I'm up!  

Well, it appears to be that day in summer where the city sends people in orange suits to my front yard (or the grassy knoll directly in front of my building) to cull the overgrown grass, blackberry bushes, and other extremely dry vegetation.  Great in the prevention of wildfires, also great in the waking of Spitfyres.  

I know, they're allowed to start city works at 7:30 AM...but c'mon...can't I have another 5 minutes of sleep?!  

Oh, wait...my lovely husband has just produced a skinny latte and placed it down on my bedside table.  I suppose I can face the morning.  I'm just happy I didn't get out of bed and walk around the place nekkid as a jaybird only to find weed wacking workers looking up through my living room window in disbelief. 

It's been quite some time since I have put fingers to keyboard and tapped out a blog post...why is this?  Am I lacking in inspiration?!  Quite the opposite, I have many an unfinished manuscript...or at least there are posts suspended in cyberspace describing situations here and there that have hindered, helped, hijacked, and heartened my journey towards health and fitness...so what gives?!  Truth be told, I don't know.  Perhaps I have just fallen out of the habit of writing.  I certainly haven't lost my sense of humour about what goes on in my life...and I am always up for a good laugh, even if it is at my own expense.  Ha!  So, I will attempt to pick up where I left off.  And...that was all the way back in May...wow.

May was my birthday month...and the one good thing about getting older, is that I seem to be getting wiser, or perhaps become more of a wise-ass - you decide. 

Birthdays used to always mean a bit of reckless abandon when it came to diet and exercise, but this year I was determined that May would be different.  In the beginning, I made a conscious effort to cut back on portion sizes and to stop capitulating when I got a hankering for something savoury after dinner.  Must remember to not eat all of those peanuts in the fridge that are reserved for fancy salads and/or the popcorn on the shelf that ended up there because I finished the last of the kernels and then my lovely husband replaced it with a whole new batch!  Seriously, I need a locked cupboard that only opens when a recipe requires it to, and not if I get peckish before or after dinner.  Also, must remember to eat enough throughout the day so that I don't mindlessly eat dry ingredients in the pantry out of sheer desperation...dry soy beans, I'm looking at you.  Seriously.

So how'd my May go?  Well, pretty much the same way the first 4 months of the year have gone...it's been a bit of a bumpy road, but I'm learning to ride out the rough spots.  And...most of the time?  I was comfortable in the saddle.

Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs
53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs

56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs

57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs

58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs

59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs

60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs

61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs

62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs

63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs

64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs

65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs

66th weigh-in - April 23rd, 2014 - 141lbs

67th weigh-in - April 30th, 2014 - 149.3lbs

68th weigh-in - May 7th, 2014 - 144.1lbs

And the weigh-in after my birthday week?  

69th weigh-in - May 14th, 2014 - 140.5lbs

140.5 pounds!?  That's a bloody miracle because after weigh-in Wednesday #68, I headed to Vancouver for a couple days away with the folks.  How did I approach eating and exercising in a different city without my "normal" routine?!  Well, I tried to get in at least 3 square a day and walked all over town for cardio.  Despite eating at Vij's, downing a cocktail or two whilst on "vacation," and eating mini cupcakes for breakfast on my birthday, skipping lunch in order to clean the loft, and having wine for dinner that night, I survived.  And, lost 3.6 pounds...woot...back to 140 point something!

Happy Birthday to me.

But that was then...and this is now.  So how am I faring at this point in time?!  I don't want to talk about it.  But, I also don't want to make excuses and gripe about how I have gone back to work and it's harder to find time to exercise now that I'm back to being gainfully employed...because it's not been the exercise that's been the problem.  It's been the food.  In fact, making excuses as to why it is impossible to get off the couch and head to the gym, is just that...and excuse, and I haven't got time for those.  I haven't really slipped on the exercise thing, still working out with the ninja (Jonathan Carpenter of MIJO Sport) twice a week and still heading to the gym 5-6 days a week with other activities thrown in...one of my favourites being yoga with Taryn Strong.  Om.  

And, speaking of om...as in "om nom nom"... that's what I have been doing a lot of lately.  

It is said that to achieve a healthy weight it is 20% exercise and 80% diet...and I believe it.  It doesn't make a difference how much I exercise if my food choices thwart my weight loss efforts.  That is not to say that a distinction should be made between acceptable and unacceptable foods, but that I, Miss Spitfyre, need to rein it in a little  Oh summer, not only do you come with weed-wacking-workers, but you also bring with you backyard barbeques, burgers n' buns, and a whole lotta beer.