Monday, January 30, 2017

Elephant relativism.

I have always had very good memory.  I remember random things that happened in high school a million years ago, and I'll also remember what everyone was wearing when it happened.  Stored in the deepest recesses of my mind are completely obscure facts about ancient mythology from my years of studying Classics at Concordia University, modern cooking techniques learned by watching far too much Food Network, horticulture for balconies and window boxes via my mother, and strangely almost all of the lyrics to arbitrary songs from the 1990s.  That's how my memory works...like an elephant, I remember things.

So why, oh why, did I forget what it was like to be fat?

Since the crunchy, poppy kneeness of June 2016, I have been eating and drinking myself into my former state of being.  And I seem to have lost all recollection of how difficult it was to be overweight, and dare I admit this, obese.

The last time I was fairly regular with my workouts (other than going to taekwondo class) was in the autumn and winter of 2015.  While visiting family in Montréal, I made arrangements to work out with friends, find a gym, find a yoga studio, and try and counteract the damage I was doing by eating out and drinking daily - and may I add, that I cheated a few times when it came to food on my trip, but I was pretty good about choosing healthy options.  I was something like 170 pounds, and though I was annoyed that my weight had gone up...I remained confident and happy. 

When I got back from Montréal, I started working a lot more regularly, and so I made sure to hit the gym before my shifts.  At that point, I had joined the "5AM Club," and I managed to do at least an hour of cardio before getting gussied up to work the floor as a painter of faces.  After Christmas break, I was off to Hawaii - I had gained a further 10 pounds, but it wasn't the end of the world, and there would be walking, exploring, hiking, swimming etc.  Not to worry.  Still content with life, I was in Hawaii, and there were all kinds of bodies out and about.  Not at all concerned about my "beach body," I was just thrilled to hit the poke bars and body surf at Magic Sands daily.  Good times.

1 definition of relativism


  1. a theory that knowledge is relative to the limited nature of the mind and the conditions of knowing    
So what is elephant relativism?!  The further away I am from a state of being, the less I remember what it was like to live that way.  Which can be blissful or incredibly difficult.  The problem (and elephant part) is, recently my memory has been jogged...the first time I have jogged in 2017, in fact.
Things I forgot about being obese:
  • Always waking up in the wet spot (from night sweats, get your mind out of the gutter)
  • Shaving various parts of your body involves rigorous effort and training in contortion
  • Sometimes towels don't fit
  • Getting yourself into a bra is an intricate mix of origami and optimism (and you still get double boob, side boob, under boob)
  • Dress code is always back, with a generous helping of loose and leggings
  • Being overly effected by anxiety and depression  
  • Low self esteem and a lack of confidence
  • The cycle of binge eating
  • Hopelessness
 
Wow, that turned pretty serious pretty fast.  But, right now, it's how I feel.  I am a hopeless, binge eating 250 pound woman who is again suffering from anxiety and depression which is leading to a lack of confidence and self esteem.  I have 3 outfits, none of which I like.  I would like to take off an article of clothing without being marked by it, and I would also like to sweat at appropriate times.  Don't worry, I also remember other things... 

Things I remember about being fit:
  • Hitting the gym in the morning before I had a chance to think about it or change my mind, and then sometimes doubling up at night
  • Getting an endorphin rush part way into my workout and really enjoying the process 
  • Constantly being sweaty (whether at the gym or on the dance floor)
  • Drinking insane amounts of water and being satisfied by smaller portions or healthy foods
  • There will always be boob origami (when they are smaller they still need to be folded into shape), it's a process
  • Being able to express myself through my outfits
  • Endless energy to do things
  • Feeling that there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome
  • Realisation of goals
  • Positivity
It's pretty obvious which state of being is my preferred truth.  Though not necessarily mutually exclusive whilst experiencing the in-between, the latter is a much better option for which to strive.  Going forward, I will mindfully go through the process of transforming myself so as not to lose track of where I came from and where I want to go.  Ideally, be more like an elephant in mind, to be less like one in body.

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