Exercise, not extra size

Monday – Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre – I’m meeting Jonathan for my first cardio session and I’m crapping my pants…haha…at least he’s not scary.

And then all of a sudden, “I’m on a bike!”  I can do this.  Can’t I?  Let’s just increase that tension to 6, because I’m awesome.  After 3 minutes:  I used to be able to do this.  Remember when I could do this?  Where’s my towel…dear gods is all that sweat coming from me?  And what the H. E. double hockey sticks happened to my legs?  How come they are not working?  Ack!  Jonathan’s coming…let’s turn that 6 into 8 for a couple of minutes.  Water, I need water…wait, why has my coochie fallen asleep?  Puff, puff, puff…how long have I been at this?  Obviously, around 23 minutes…are you frickin’ kidding me…13 minutes?  Probably shouldn’t have been so confident.

7 minutes later and I have no feeling below the waist.  Here’s an idea…pregnant woman who want to experience natural childbirth without labour pain only need ride a stationary bike for 20 minutes…voilà…exercise epidural.  I’m expected to jump on a treadmill for ANOTHER 20 minutes now!?!?!?!  You’ve got to be joking.  Oh, I see, Jonathan…you are not.  As I said before, I love walking (walking to and from things) especially if there’s some exotic scenery…today, seniors in the pool doing water aerobics must suffice.  Let’s do this.

And…I’m walking like a cowboy.  So, I’m not used to walking on a treadmill…and I’ve just had what Jonathan assured me was a comfy seat shoved up my backside for 20 minutes…this is going to be fun.  Don’t fall off, don’t fall off, don’t fall off!  I have discovered that you need to treat treadmills as you do a fear of heights.  Don’t look down, focus on one point directly ahead of you, and eventually it’ll be over.  Now what?

I’m feeling rather spent, so Jonathan pops me on the hardest machine I have ever experienced.  Enter…the elliptical.  Please remember, I have no sensation in my lower extremities and at this point...frankly I’m surprised I’m still vertical.  May I take a course on the elliptical before I try it out?  Apparently, forwards and backwards are very difficult to distinguish for some people…i.e. me.  Okay, I’m going forward…and I am not falling off because on this puppy you use your arms too.  And I’m showing off a little because, well, I’m able to do it.  And then at the end of 3 minutes, I’m ready to die.  How am I going to be able to do this for 17 more minutes?  

I have of course taken the necessary precautions and checked that the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre is equipped with fire extinguishers…just in case my thighs set the place alight.  If the fire station proves to be too far away, I can always jump in the water.  And, why are there so many crickets around me?

Finally, I am done. 

I did it.  I did 60 whole minutes of cardio…and if I can do it, so can you.  So I hope, dear reader, that this inspires you, because even if the road is long and hard and filled with elliptical machines and tiny bike seats, you can do it!  Keep your eye on the prize.