Monday, January 14, 2013

You break it, you buy it.

Tomorrow I have my fitness testing at the Canadian Sport Institute Victoria's lab...yes...I will be hooked up to fancy machines that will tell my physiologists how out of shape I am. 

Oh joy, I also get to have skin fold tests!  Which means I'm going to have to expose some skin to somebody other than my husband...and I don't have a sports bra.  In fact, I don't have any sort of detached bra.  I find it much more comfy to wear what I affectionately call "bodysuits."  I suppose it's shapewear (adult onesies?  Ha!)...whatever the name of it, it cuts down on the jiggle, so I wear them.  And I can't tomorrow.  It's not allowed.  I already asked.

Off I go (with my mom) to buy a sports bra.

In the change room with all the XXL sports bras I could find (and frankly, I'm not sure there's enough material to go around), I hang up my shirt, roll down my onesie and attempt to stretch a fluorescent pink tit sling over my head.

Level 1 achieved - Garment over head!

At which point I lose my grip on the thing and it snaps around my body just below my armpits.  Not good.  I have never felt more like a Tyrannosaurus Rex in my life.  I'm thrashing around trying to get at least a thumb hold...then I get one...and I have to attempt to unroll the spandex...easier said than done.  I get one side unravelled...but only one I scoop up a boob and shove it up into the thing.

Level 2 achieved - One breast in garment!

All of the thrashing about in the change room has alerted the saleswoman that I may be in need of assistance.  She checks on me by knocking on the door and asking how I'm doing.  Don't worry, I didn't subject her to..."Hey, if you could just come in here and grab hold of that elastic there in the front and hold it out away from my body so that I can squeeze my hand down and grab my other boob..."  I managed to do all that on my own.  However, I did think at one point that I was going to have to go to the cash and produce a tag from underneath my shirt for customer service to scan.  What happens if you get trapped in unpurchased merchandise?  Do they have giant scissors on hand in case people need emergency cutting-out-of?  Haha..

Game over - Breasts strapped so tightly to chest that breathing is inhibited...and also both bound boobs have formed one bowl-shaped protuberance just below my's as sexy as it sounds.

So, no sports bra for me.

Oh wait, if you go to another store and pay $50 they make those in the right size with clasps in the back?  Haha..sign me up.

Crisis averted.

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