#ALLGOODDAYS

If I weren't dying of whatever plague this is going around Victoria (and more specifically in that little dark cloud over my head that has been following me around for the better part of 9 days), I would most likely have posted more today than in all of 2016...but that didn't happen because I was in bed or resting or coughing so hard I thought my head would explode.  So I'm behind, but I can catch up.

Also, I joined a #allgooddays challenge.  I was impulsive and thought I should throw 50 dollars at accountability, and my former employee's mother (I wonder if she remembers me), because, like the foundation of all great ideas, I saw something about it on Facebook. 

Those of you who don't know my history, here it is in a nutshell:

I have struggled with my weight for the better part of 20 years.  And have lost and gained what seems like a thousand pounds.  And most recently I was a superstar health challenge participant, and then I wasn't....and I lost my ninja...and now I am fat and am getting stuck in sports bras again.  This challenge is the reclamation of my badassery, if you will.

2013 - 294 pounds, blah blah blah health challenge, ninja-in-training, popped ACL

2014 - 139 pounds, blah blah blah health challenge mentor, n-in-t, reconstructed ACL 

2015 - 165 pounds, blah blah blah h.c. mentor part 2, ninja-in-training, with & without ninja

2016 - 200 pounds, blah blah blah ninja-on-and-off, belt test injury, no more ninja

2017 - 250 pounds, blah blah blah work, home, food, wine, repeat, sleep, sleep, sleep...

2018 - 286 pounds, blah blah blah I gotta do something about this.  Again.

And today, I updated all the apps, tweaked the fitbits, unboxed the runners, squeezed into the sausage casing I call pants, threw on a Star Wars T-shirt, and donned a hoodie, and did a grocery shop for all the foods that when put into my fridge will really just be ingredients.  Even if I lack energy because of the pox placed on my house...I can't wait to kick this challenge's ass...and my own in the process.

And go!

When I started writing this blog post, it was 9.05 in the morning and I had just gotten out of bed without making it, and put on our robot vacuum, Ashitaka.  But first I wasted a bunch of time snuggled under the covers checking my phone and playing with Toothless, the cat.  I have to decide what to do today.  It's Friday.  And, I haven't been out of the house in 5 days.

My first big decision today is what to do about what I am doing.  In 37 days it'll be Stéphane and my anniversary, in 57 days two of my good friends are getting married in Vancouver, in 95 days it's Halloween, in 134 days it's Stephane's office party, and in 150 days it'll be Christmas.  One small step in the right direction could make all the difference when it comes to tackling all those events.  Staying the same...won't lead anywhere.  That's what's been going on for the last 3 months.  Absolutely nothing.  (With the exception of a fabulous trip to Hawaii...so I'm not really complaining, but I am a little...kinda.)

Will today be different?  That is the question.  I have decided to not waste the day plopped in front of a TV screen waiting for my partner in crime to come home from work.  Today I will do something that makes me happy.  I will do something that will contribute to my future happiness and well-being.

I guess before I do anything I should write some of my goals down.  Classic Suzie, plan everything.  To say that I want to lose weight is an understatement...I want to be where I was in 2013 right about now...2014 would be even better, and where I was in 2015 was in a significantly better place than where I was in 2016...but 2016 wasn't bad at all...so WTF is up with 2017?  Well, I have fallen off the wagon.  There's only so much I can do to hide this weight gain before I just start hiding myself.  Oh wait.  I haven't been outside in days...guess I am in hiding.

So, Goal #1 - do something, anything, healthy.
And Goal #2 -  be grateful that you did that something/anything.  

Now the last thing I want to do at this moment is weigh myself, because that will cause me to break down knowing all the damage that I have done to this incredible body over the last few months/years.  But, the pain I suffered yesterday from simply walking around the house doing a few simple tasks was somewhat of a wake-up call.  If I don't do something about this weight fast, I'm going to live in chronic pain brought on by junk food and inactivity, and that sucks more than being a little bit hungry from time to time and getting sweaty every day at some point. 

I can do this...again.

Elephant relativism.

I have always had very good memory.  I remember random things that happened in high school a million years ago, and I'll also remember what everyone was wearing when it happened.  Stored in the deepest recesses of my mind are completely obscure facts about ancient mythology from my years of studying Classics at Concordia University, modern cooking techniques learned by watching far too much Food Network, horticulture for balconies and window boxes via my mother, and strangely almost all of the lyrics to arbitrary songs from the 1990s.  That's how my memory works...like an elephant, I remember things.

So why, oh why, did I forget what it was like to be fat?

Since the crunchy, poppy kneeness of June 2016, I have been eating and drinking myself into my former state of being.  And I seem to have lost all recollection of how difficult it was to be overweight, and dare I admit this, obese.

The last time I was fairly regular with my workouts (other than going to taekwondo class) was in the autumn and winter of 2015.  While visiting family in Montréal, I made arrangements to work out with friends, find a gym, find a yoga studio, and try and counteract the damage I was doing by eating out and drinking daily - and may I add, that I cheated a few times when it came to food on my trip, but I was pretty good about choosing healthy options.  I was something like 170 pounds, and though I was annoyed that my weight had gone up...I remained confident and happy. 

When I got back from Montréal, I started working a lot more regularly, and so I made sure to hit the gym before my shifts.  At that point, I had joined the "5AM Club," and I managed to do at least an hour of cardio before getting gussied up to work the floor as a painter of faces.  After Christmas break, I was off to Hawaii - I had gained a further 10 pounds, but it wasn't the end of the world, and there would be walking, exploring, hiking, swimming etc.  Not to worry.  Still content with life, I was in Hawaii, and there were all kinds of bodies out and about.  Not at all concerned about my "beach body," I was just thrilled to hit the poke bars and body surf at Magic Sands daily.  Good times.

1 definition of relativism

1. a theory that knowledge is relative to the limited nature of the mind and the conditions of knowing    

So what is elephant relativism?!  The further away I am from a state of being, the less I remember what it was like to live that way.  Which can be blissful or incredibly difficult.  The problem (and elephant part) is, recently my memory has been jogged...the first time I have jogged in 2017, in fact.

Things I forgot about being obese:

• Always waking up in the wet spot (from night sweats, get your mind out of the gutter)
• Shaving various parts of your body involves rigorous effort and training in contortion
• Sometimes towels don't fit
• Getting yourself into a bra is an intricate mix of origami and optimism (and you still get double boob, side boob, under boob)
• Dress code is always back, with a generous helping of loose and leggings
• Being overly effected by anxiety and depression  
• Low self esteem and a lack of confidence
• The cycle of binge eating
• Hopelessness

 

Wow, that turned pretty serious pretty fast.  But, right now, it's how I feel.  I am a hopeless, binge eating 250 pound woman who is again suffering from anxiety and depression which is leading to a lack of confidence and self esteem.  I have 3 outfits, none of which I like.  I would like to take off an article of clothing without being marked by it, and I would also like to sweat at appropriate times.  Don't worry, I also remember other things... 

Things I remember about being fit:

• Hitting the gym in the morning before I had a chance to think about it or change my mind, and then sometimes doubling up at night
• Getting an endorphin rush part way into my workout and really enjoying the process 
• Constantly being sweaty (whether at the gym or on the dance floor)
• Drinking insane amounts of water and being satisfied by smaller portions or healthy foods
• There will always be boob origami (when they are smaller they still need to be folded into shape), it's a process
• Being able to express myself through my outfits
• Endless energy to do things
• Feeling that there are no obstacles that cannot be overcome
• Realisation of goals
• Positivity

It's pretty obvious which state of being is my preferred truth.  Though not necessarily mutually exclusive whilst experiencing the in-between, the latter is a much better option for which to strive.  Going forward, I will mindfully go through the process of transforming myself so as not to lose track of where I came from and where I want to go.  Ideally, be more like an elephant in mind, to be less like one in body.

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

Hey, remember when I had that epiphany on Epiphany?  Well, I put off doing anything about my confessed weight gain...how about that?!  

You know, the "I'll do something about that tomorrow," type of thing?  Guys, it's been tomorrow 17 times since I wrote that post, and I still haven't gotten my fat ass to the gym, or revamped my eating habits.  Well, that changes today.  

Why am I so bloody scared?!  I am having anxiety attacks about changing my lifestyle back to what it was 4 years ago, I am scared of giving up what I think is making me happy but is actually contributing to my weight gain and subsequently my depression.

AND to top that off, my Croatian conscience has gone back to hurting my feelings...and not even in Croatian!

"You've put on quite a bit of weight.  We need to turn that around.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I'm not going to sugar coat things.  It serves no one.  Neither does enabling you.

So have a good cry and get back to tracking your food, go to the gym, and don't waste your calories on wine." 

*Crosses arms in front of chest and pouts*  I hate it when he's right.

Today I took a step towards my future.  I decided to reset all my various fitness and weight loss goals on all of my many fitness and weight loss apps and websites.  And you know that's a bit deal, because I had to try and go back through all the days that I did track all the shit that I did that was unhealthy and delete the evidence.  Suzie means business.

SIDE NOTE:  Damn you:  Lose It, Bodybuilding.com, and Fitbit for making it impossible for me to reset all my information and make it look like I just recently decided to take control of my health.  There's nothing more infuriating than being unable to wipe the slate clean, to make vanish the past that wasn't so perfect.  But, I guess that's just like real life.  It's hard to say that you are still committed to a healthy lifestyle when you have visibly gained a tonne of weight.  I'm not going to go around and say that I have been really good with my eating, while also having kept on top of my exercising, because it's kind of obvious that that has not been the case.  The jig is up.

Today, I write down my intentions.  Today I prep my meals for the week.  Today I organise my schedule.   AND, Tomorrow I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

e·piph·a·ny 2017

e·piph·a·ny

əˈpifənē/

noun

noun: Epiphany; noun: epiphany; plural noun: epiphanies

the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi (Matthew 2:1–12).

the festival commemorating the Epiphany on January 6.

a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being.

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

First of all, I am not religious. Not in the epiphany sense of religion anyway...so January 6th has always meant "take your Christmas tree down, the party is over." In actuality, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away it was the day when the 3 wise men arrived to give Jesus his belated birthday gifts. In Shakespeare's era, Twelfth Night was a time of bawdy pursuits, merry-making, hard drinking, and lusty encounters - well, that one sounds much more fun, though presents are good too. For me, and this year, it is going to have to mean a sudden revelation or insight. 

I need to get back to my healthy lifestyle thing. That thing I started 4 years ago. Thanks to Facebook I get updates as to what I was doing on this day in the past. Last year I was hiking in Volcano National Park on the Big Island of Hawaii, 2 years ago it was 6 weeks after my knee surgery and I was able to get myself into a nice cross-legged position after having trained at the gym, 3 years ago I was a puffy-eyed ninja-in-training who went to the gym in the morning despite having put my beloved cat, Cobweb, to sleep in the wee hours of the that day. I was a trooper, a yogini, an explorer...and today, I'm sitting on the couch writing this and wishing that I were anywhere but where I am right now.

I am 100 pounds away from where I want to be...in the last 7 months I have pretty much given up on being healthy and happy. After injuring myself (again) in June, I stopped going to the gym regularly. I was scared to restart taekwondo because of what had happened yet again in class. My willpower dwindled, and I pretty much gave up on myself. Depression followed and I turned to food once more for comfort - I pretty much ate myself silly from September to January. I wish everything were as easy as getting fat!

Today, this is my revelation: I got fat again.

My insight on the situation: At the very least, I know how to undo it.

Time to wise up.

Now someone give me some prezzies and we can call it a day.

Here we go again...

Mine is a tale of perspiration, determination, and inspiration...or at least it used to be...no wait, IT WILL BE AGAIN!  And lemme tell you why...

It made perfect sense each year (2014 and 2015) that a couple of the Times Colonist running groups had invited me to speak to before their group run/walks.  After all, I was the contestant in the 2013 TC Health Challenge group who lost 52 pounds in 3 months, and then used the next 5 to lose another 50+ pounds...eventually losing 156 pounds.  At that point, I weighed less than than what I had lost.  Inspiring, right?!

Once upon a time there was a lady who let herself get to 294 pounds.  She was always a good time girl, who could be swayed into going to the bar, sharing pints with friends, eating pub grub...and even going to Le Banquise (she was a Montréaler after all) at 4 in the morning after the bar for some poutine, a Mae West, and an 'ot dog all dressed.  But that was then...this is now...

 

Or is it?!  I think I just described my last trip to Montréal.  And, my recent trip to Hawaii.

And possibly just a couple days ago.

Okay, so a lot of things have changed...but some have not.  I started writing about my plight to lose weight, get fit, and healthy in this blog 3 years ago, and it really helped me get through the tough stuff and see the humour in what I was doing.  Luckily, for dramatic effect, I had a lot to lose.  You see, that makes for a good story.  But what about now?!  Do I still have it in me to make fun of myself trying to get fit and healthy after some indiscrepancies in the food department, exercise regime, and the healthy living area in general?!  You betcha.

  

After all, it's exciting to learn about the 294 pound lady who, with the help of a ninja (Jonathan Carpenter), whittled herself down to a svelte 139 pounds from January 2013 to July of 2014 through a combination of eating right and exercise...because that's pretty amazing...but, I believe that it'll be even more inspiring to find out that lady is a real person.  And, that three years after she started her journey, it continues.  It has its ups and downs and ups (as the case is now)...and dammit, she can't even blame the knee surgery she had in November, because that was over 14 months ago now!

I remember stepping on the scale in front of hunky JCarps, the ninja, when I was 294 pounds and not really caring what it said...not even being embarrassed...because I was never going back there.  Now, when I step on the scale, I'm watching re-runs in reverse and it scares the shite out of me.  Am I slipping back into old patterns?!  Yes.  Am I becoming less active?  Yes.  Am I skipping meals and then binge eating later?  Yes.  Am I eating my emotions?  Yes.  What is happening to me?!  

It took me over a year to "cheat" on my healthy eating plan...on the Super Bowl 2014 weekend, I succumbed to junk food again for the first time...and, you know what!?!  I got away with it.  Lately, it's been a whole lot of junk food eating and not a whole lot of getting away with it.  I just hope the ninja doesn't try and weigh me in at our next session...because I will care and be embarrassed at what I've done. 

Luckily, half my wardrobe is stretchy and I seem to gain weight in all the curvy lady bits...but it's becoming a little more obvious now that its not just 15 pounds that I've gained since my knee surgery, it's more like 30.  And at this point, I cant blame being laid up and limpy...I have to blame myself...AND I can't even do that because my yoga teacher (Taryn Strong) says that you have to let go of blame.  

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.  Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.  It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.  It means we stop trying to do the impossible - controlling that which we cannot - and instead, focus on what is possible - which usually means taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.  - Melody Beattie

She's right...Melody Beattie and Taryn Strong.  Rather than getting all upset with myself and eating an entire bag of Doritos, which will only make the entire situation worse...I am going to let it go, and be grateful that I know how to do this, that I still have a ninja to help me, and that Illoana called to book me for a talk before her Henderson 10K Run Clinic...because that was just the kick in my significantly more voluptuous arse that I needed to get back at it!

And I should probably sign up and run that TC 10K.

Here we go again.

Are you with me?!

I was born without an OFF switch...

Or a STOP button....and I'm not even sure that I even have PAUSE.  

This is a bit of a problem when it comes to working, talking, fitness, eating, drinking, and well, pretty much everything.  

For example...when I'm at work, I blow through breaks and keep painting faces and helping people long after my shift has finished...I should really wear a watch, but I just get so stuck into what I do, I keep going.  Same goes for talking, I go on and on and absolutely revel in conversation - especially good chats with old friends or new friends that have strong opinions or just anyone who enjoys life and shooting the breeze - dinner parties fly by, as do 3 hour phone calls to Montréal.  As for fitness, well, I go all out on that to, when I have a day that I can dedicate to working out, it's not unusual for me to bike to my ninja training, workout with my ninja personal trainer, have a little break and a snack, do a MIJO bootcamp for an hour, then bike home...only to return to yet another gym later that evening to kick pads with a bunch of other taekwondo aficionados.  Obviously, eating and drinking are the same...when I'm hungry, I eat (sometimes the wrong things and too much) and when I'm thirsty I drink  (also sometimes the wrong things and too much), and I cook and experiment and bake and enjoy restaurants and bars.  I am not a half-asser, when I do something, I always use my full ass.
 
So, when I busted my ACL in taekwondo over a year ago and every doctor I spoke to said SURGERY...I may have freaked out, just a little bit.  Okay, no...there is no such thing as a little bit.  I fully freaked out (full-assed) - I cried, had a hissy fit, I went silent, I retreated into the dark recesses of my mind, and I panicked.  How could I take time off?  I have a schedule!  I have been working out up to 6 days a week most weeks and following an online eating plan that has me logging everything that goes in my mouth...even the junk...and since June, I've been struggling...bouncing up and down in the 140s and then settling back into the 150s.  Which isn't the end of the world, I may have actually even accepted the fact that my body is more comfortable a little heavier.  Shock!  Horror!  But, give up exercise?!  NO WAY!  How will I be able to de-stress if I can't hit the treadmill and rock out a run with my favourite workout mix blaring in my ears?  I can't just turn off, I can't hit stop...not even pause.  And then the date was set for surgery.  November 25th, 2014.

My injury occurred October 2013, initial diagnosis with sports medicine doctor was in November of 2013, and I finally saw the orthopaedic surgeon in February of 2014, so in June when I was informed surgery would be in November, it seemed so far off that I just put it out of my mind.  And like so many other things, November just crept up on me.  At 3 months until surgery, I vowed to make a concerted effort to get in the best shape of my life...I even searched online for a 90 day whiteboard calendar.  Then again at 2 months until my reconstruction I "recommitted" to getting into shape.  At 6 weeks out, I did the same, then 4 weeks, 3, 2, and 1...same deal.  Good intentions all of them, and I don't know whether it was fear of surgery that led me to eat the occasional bag of Doritos or hot dog, but for some reason, my eating was way off, though my gym time was not.  I still stress eat, even after all this time.  Like I said, I don't have an off switch...or a pause button...so I kept training like an athlete.  Faced with the impending hospital time, I tried to get rid of the negative and indulged in good exercise, splurged on nutritious food, and let go of the doubts in my mind.  What does my yoga teacher call it?!  Self-care.  I tried that out for a change.

Going into surgery I had a certain confidence about me.  After coming out of a very good week of clean eating, optimal exercise, and just enough rest to prepare my body and mind for a routine but fairly involved operation, I took a deep breath, pressed pause...and a little voice in my head told me, "Everything is going to be fine."

And it was.

High Maintenance.

It's time to get off this dark horse and ride a unicorn or something.

At least that's what the ninja said to me a while back. And, in all seriousness, I have been in a bit of funk as of late.

Why in the funk, Suzie Spitfyre!?

I don't want to talk about it.  (Because when I do I get weirdly emotional and cry. WTF!? Ninjas shouldn't be all teary...and broken.)

As you know from previous posts, for the last little while I've been bouncing around at about 145 pounds...I've come as close to goal as 138 pounds and gone as far away as 163. It is very hard for me not to obsess about this. “Focus on how you feel, ninja,” if I feel fit and strong, I'm cool. If I feel wildly out of control, I'm not so cool. In fact, I panic, doubt myself, and fall a downward spiral of junk food and other bad choices. Then I get over it, buckle down and take care of business. I got this, I know how to do it...in fact, I'm pretty good at it...when I focus.

 

That's my resent history...no crazy drops in weight, but no huge gains either. This is the boring part. No celebrating 7 pound losses, no surprising victories over push-ups, no mayor wearing his chains of office to congratulate me for being the biggest loser...just maintenance. And maintenance sucks.

I know, I know, I really don't have problems if these are my problems right?! Nonetheless, this stuff weighs heavy (pun intended) on my psyche. For the last year and just over a half, I have built myself up by leaning myself down, so going in the opposite direction scares the sh!t out of me. And the reason the scale is going in said direction...well, it's because of me. But, just as I had decided to give up drinking wine on the balcony, Bum Biter BBQs, and sneaking in a bag of Doritos while watching True Blood on my Croatian Conscience's couch...

I left the Shimmy Shack and embarked on a run along the Westsong Walkway. The run I do is around 7K and includes the stairs of death (there are 100 of them, and I try and do them at least 5 times..and lately I've been doing them a few more times than that...um...10 times, I'm a keener). So out I go on my merry little way, feeling particularly strong and fit...running to the beat of all these songs on my play list that are all obviously written specifically for me...when SNAP! Limp, limp, limp. Oh crap.

My little injury (ruptured ACL) has reared its ugly head yet again. Apparently, at the time of the MRI there were possibly two little strands holding on for dear life, and what I just did took care of at least one of them. Normally I wouldn't be such a cry-baby, but I was out on a trail about 2 kilometres from home and I was sore. I walked back along the pathway to my house...dragging my leg, ruing the decision I made to leave my mobile phone at home.

Realising that walking home in such a gimpy way ate into my precious get-ready-for-work-time, when I finally got home, I showered very quickly...but how was I going to work a shift if I couldn't even walk properly!? And to top that off, thou shalt wear heels on counter is practically written in the MAC dress code. I called my manager. “I don't think I'll be able to come into work today, I just felt something in my knee pop and there's a lot of swelling. I should probably ice it and keep it elevated, at least for today.” Damn, someone beat me to the punch, so no sick day for me. Already one man down. In pain, I put on my knee high combat boots, a skirt, button down shirt 'n' tie, braided my hair into two tight French braids, and took the bus two stops to town. Suck it up, Princess.

On a side note: As I “toughed it out” on counter, one of the department’s staff told me I looked less Wednesday Addams bad-ass private school girl (the look I was obviously going for) and more, well, how do I put this!? Nazi. Oh good. I wonder if that's why my sales were so high...”Buy this make-up or I invade Poland!” I know, I know, not funny...sorry.

The point that I am trying to make is this...when I feel out of control or upset, an easy fix for me used to be to lose myself in food. And now, it is to find discipline and focus at the gym...even if it's after losing myself in food because I'm not going to lie and say that never happens.  It does. Still. So what happens if you take the gym away?! Well, nothing good.  I get a little down in the dumps.

The gym is my meditation station, my decompression session, my opportunity community.  I

feel safe, and loved. Before embarking on this journey, I regarded gyms as places where hyper fit and annoying people hung out and tried to out-do each other. These gym-types were judgmental and exclusive. And then I walked through the doors of the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre...and I realised, it was the opposite. I was the bitter, annoyed person...I was judgmental and exclusive.  I was not looking forward to entering the gym, I didn't know what to wear, how to do anything...and the people behind those doors, well, they became a huge

support system, my mentors, teachers, my friends...they welcomed me to the health & fitness community with open arms, smiles free of judgement with a pat on the back for all my efforts. I had never experienced such a sense of community. My knee, on occasion, takes all that away, and I am left to stew. I start shutting down.

As soon as I was well enough to start gymming again, the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre closed for maintenance.  I told you maintenance sucks.  But, at least I found my unicorn.

Congratulations, it's a food baby!

Sushi Spitfyre

My tummy.  My stomach has been relatively flat (considering all the excess skin) for the last few months...but lately, I have noticed something.  Something that happens after a big meal or after a weekend of indulging...the food baby.  I remember when girls at MAC would complain about their "food babies" and I would have no idea what they were talking about, except for now.  You see, at 294 pounds, if you eat a big meal, there's no way to notice any sort of difference in your physique...other than the mild discomfort that comes with overeating.  Now, I get it.  When I have larger portions, or if I have a weekend of indulgence, then I am inevitably blessed (for lack of a better word) with a "food baby."  This is not something that I can take a pill for, nor can I utilise any sort of contraception to negate any unwanted consequences...the only way to avoid this procreation is abstinence.

Is it time to revisit correct portion sizes?!  I think so.

In the last few weeks, I have been with child.  One that only becomes apparent after eating too many potatoes and sometimes, to my chagrin, after fabulous weekends of imbibing.  Mondays and Tuesdays are when I get some serious bloating and the telltale swollen abdomen that comes with progeny begat of wine and rich fare.  Am I preggers?  No.  Does my husband notice?  No, not if he knows what's good for him.  BUT, someone else does.  Someone I see regularly and who apparently looks me up and down a bit more than I thought he did.  Sneaky ninja.

I have been fighting the good fight for about a year and half now...and looking down at my cereal bowl the other day, I think perhaps my portions are creeping up on me.  Breakfast means 1/3 of a cup of high-fibre, sugar-free cereal, 100g of fat-free, sugar-free yogourt, 1/8 of a cup of nuts, and some sort of fruit.  So, how could I possibly let this get out of control?!  Well, I was free-pouring the cereal, I was scooping the yogourt with a giant spoon, cutting up however many nuts I wanted, and then adding A LOT of fruit...not just 1 green banana, more like 2 bananas and possibly a bunch of strawberries too.  Is this bad?  No, none of that black and white thinking for me...but perhaps I was being a bit too generous with the free-stylings of this dish.  And, I'm not going to lie, I have also been eyeballing a lot of other portions as well.  Is this okay?!  Yes, of course, intuitive eating is something I wish I could do.  Am I ready for it yet?!  Possibly not.  Not if I want to get to my goal of 137 pounds.

Yesterday was my weigh-in day, and I was up...up from last week...up to a February/March weight...up the most I think I've ever been up actually.  What am I having?  Twins!?

Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs
53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs

56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs

57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs

58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs

59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs

60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs

61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs

62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs

63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs

64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs

65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs

66th weigh-in - April 23rd, 2014 - 141lbs

67th weigh-in - April 30th, 2014 - 149.3lbs

Time to get down to my "pre-pregnancy" weight of 140.7...that's the lowest I've been so far.  I know I can get there, I've done it before, and this is how I'm going to do it:  

1. Clean eating:  I will eat well balanced, appropriately portioned meals.  I will not eat processed foods (or as few as possible), only whole grains, lean proteins, and fruit and veg.  For extra accountability, I will also blog everything I eat...enter SEE FOOD!  A photographic journey of accountability.  
2. Clean drinking:  No more alcohol!  At least not until my birthday, I may have a sip or two then, but for the next 10 days I will be drinking loads of water, and a whole bunch of tea.  All will be featured in SEE FOOD!
3. Dirty Training (that sounds a whole lot better when I say #eatcleantraindirty) Haha...how about just "training:"  I will follow the ninja's instructions, I will double up when I need to, and not go into over-training mode because I feel guilty for something or another. 

I know you're not supposed to eat seafood when you're "with child" but I am going to SEE FOOD it up so that I am held accountable...nothing like laying it all out there.  If I eat it or drink it, you will see it...which is kinda the way I feel about this food baby that I have strapped to my front right now.  No more whining (or wining) about this, now is the time for action! 

"Burpees are killing me."

That's the first text I received this morning.

The second was, "I just accidentally msged ninja that, not you.  Ooops.  Haha."

Good morning, Suzie Spitfyre!  This is the kind of message I get first thing in the morning from my partner-in-crime and fellow ninja-in-training, Jacqueline.  Remember, when I said surround yourself with positive people?  Jacqueline is one of my positive people.  She has been training with the ninja for 4 months or so...and she gets it.  We gripe about which body part hurts and why, and we also celebrate our mastery of certain exercises...burpees aren't her favourite, obviously. 

This morning I woke up to an achey chest, wrists, arms, sides of legs, and a bunch of other stuff.  Damn those Bosu flyer tilt things.  It's been a while since I have felt the pain of working out...and not because I haven't been working hard, but because I have gotten into better shape.  Now I have to push even harder to get that good hurt.   

And for the record...I heart burpees, and those flyer tilt thingies too.

Lost in translation...

2013 Viva Glam Suzie

Where have I been?  Certainly not blogging...that's for sure.  It's been 12 days since my last post.  

Yikes.

Well, I've been scratching out ideas for blog posts on sticky tabs, plugging notes in the memo section of my smart phone, and jotting stuff down on random opened envelopes around the loft.  I've been talking about things I want to share on OMG with my fellow ninjas-in-training, getting pumped up by the new Times Colonist Health Challenge peeps, and yet nothing got posted on the interweb.

2014 Viva Glam Suzie

What has prevented me from writing?  I have been working out to the point of exhaustion and nausea - but what else is new?  I have been eating healthily - again, same ol', same ol'.  A-ha!  I have not been drinking alcohol!  That could be it...right?  No, wait.  My evenings have been freed up a bit, so I should have had more time to blog.

Who cares?  Why do I always try and find a reason or an excuse?  There is no excuse...I just haven't been at it.  It's as if my thoughts have been lost in translation...or something like that.  There, floating around my brain, but not expressed in type.

Time for some type-casting!