Inferno, Purgatorio, Paradiso (or Weigh-in Wednesday #3, Part 2 of the ongoing saga that is OMG...what if I don't have a pretty face?)

I woke up this morning just after 5.30AM without an alarm.  I lay in bed scrolling through various apps on my phone designed to help me.  For the last four years, these apps have indeed helped me...they have helped me feel bad about myself.  This morning, like last Wednesday and the Wednesday before that, I was too excited to fall back asleep.  Instead of rolling over and drifting off...I checked my exercise stats from the last week, I made sure I had inputted my latest meal in my food journal, and (even though I hadn't actually worked out yet) I put a very red, very large checkmark beside SUZIE CARDIO in my calendar.  The apps have finally started doing what they were intended to do...as I had also finally started doing what I intended to do.

Starting weight - Jan. 17th, 2020 - 285.4 pounds (115 days until my 45th birthday)

1st weigh-in - Jan. 22nd, 2020 - 281.3 pounds (-4.1 lbs)

2nd weigh-in - Jan. 29th, 2020 - 277.0 pounds (-4.3 lbs)
3rd weigh-in - Feb. 5th, 2020 - 273.7 pounds (-3.3lbs)

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

"Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven"

And gods know that I have had one hell of a lot of good intentions over the last four years.  I have set them, written about them, talked about them, and half-assedly gone through the motions.

In February of 2016, I wrote about how I had gained weight after knee surgery (2015) and then some more because of various dietary indiscretions/training delinquency.  That was three years into my weight loss journey, I was 187 pounds.  I was self-blaming for letting myself go while simultaneously trying to be all zen by letting go of blame and moving forward from a place of self-love.  Well, that was my intention anyway. 

Fast forward to January of 2017 or 2018, it doesn't really matter, it's a whole lot of the same thing.  Apparently, I was incredibly annoyed at being fat, and I wrote several repetitious blog posts about it.  I even mentioned my weight a couple times - in the upper 200s at that point.  That's a bit of progress - admitting that I had a problem, I mean.  It was a step...step one in some cases.  But, alas, instead of moving through the various other steps (of which there are generally twelve)...I just kept paving the road with idle hands.  Incidentally, paving a road is a seven-step process according to an asphalt pavement installation website I happened upon.  That's a difference of five whole steps - no wonder so many of us are choosing the easier route.  

Then something happened in 2019...well, late summer 2018 really.  I was tired of being ashamed, embarrassed, angry, and bitter, of avoiding things, of isolating myself, I was exhausted from all the procrastination, and the fear.  I was scared of who I'd become, and of what people thought of me.  I was afraid that I couldn't change my situation, and I was uncertain of my future while simultaneously dwelling in my past.  I was trapped in a hell of my own making, and I was doing absolutely nothing to rectify the situation...until I was.

In October 2018, I started walking.  I paid attention to my apps and my pedometer, and I got more active.  That month, I  ate healthy foods in appropriate portions, and I journaled it all.  Baby steps in the right direction.  308  pounds of baby at the beginning, mind you, but baby steps nonetheless.  It was the first time in a long time that I took a good hard look at all the roadwork I had done...and realised that the street I had been working on was two ways.  After pulling that U-ey, in February of 2019, I joined a gym, hired myself a personal trainer, and got ready to work my arse off.  I will call 2019 the year of "girding my loins," because it wasn't until January of 2020 that I was fully prepared to go into battle. 

C. S. Lewis once wrote, "you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."  I guess this is just the next chapter in my epic saga of going from biblical proportions to the Devil wearing Prada. 

Stuck in reruns...

Though a lot has happened in the last few weeks, I feel like I've been stuck on repeat.  Obviously, this blog is dedicated to my health and fitness journey...so why, oh why, do I rerun my least favourite episodes?!  The ones normal viewers would glance at and then change the channel in favour of something a bit more exciting, fresh, edgy.

It's December 1st and I haven't blogged in over 2 months...it's almost like last season's programming went a little downhill and I'm trying to come up with an exciting fall opener that will have people raving about the clever writers that must have been hired to keep the show alive, even in it's umpteenth season.

I have also come to the realisation that this programme may not be about weight.  I am already the Biggest Loser, I have completed the Taking If Off component of this performance, and as the TC Health Challenge concluded in April of 2013 - the Celebrity Weight Loss component has certainly come to a close.  Now, for those that want to see some reality TV...despite how terrible it is...let me rerun my Weigh-In Wednesdays for the last few months. 

Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs

53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs

56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs

57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs

58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs

59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs

60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs

61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs

62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs

63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs

64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs

65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs

66th weigh-in - April 23rd, 2014 - 141lbs

67th weigh-in - April 30th, 2014 - 149.3lbs

68th weigh-in - May 7th, 2014 - 144.1lbs 

69th weigh-in - May 14th, 2014 - 140.5lbs

And this is where I left you...fortunately, my programme continued over the summer hiatus...but wasn't aired because of a writer's strike.

 

It was shortly after this weigh-in that our protagonist returned to work.  After a year and a half of living the life health and fitness, credit card bills and reality forced her back into the rat race.  If only it were a race, she would have ribboned for sure.

70th weigh-in - May 21st, 2014 - 143.3lbs

71st weigh-in - May 28th, 2014 - 144.3lbs 

72nd weigh-in - June 4th, 2014 - 157.8lbs 

73rd weigh-in - June 11th, 2014 - 141.3lbs 

After moving from a management role and into an artist's position with her cosmetics company, Spitfyre was excited to show off all her hard work by donning a kick-ass outfit and making a guest appearance at a training session in Vancouver.

74th weigh-in - June 18th, 2014 - 138.7lbs

On her 74th weigh-in, Spitfyre came the closest she had ever come to reaching her elusive goal weight.  After 18 months of clean eating and training dirty, she celebrated her success in Vancouver with her Croatian Conscience.  

75th weigh-in - June 25th, 2014 - 143.9lbs

76th weigh-in - July 2nd, 2014 - 148.8lbs

Success has it's consequences, after getting so close to her goal, Spitfyre indulged in old habits...

 

77th weigh-in - July 9th, 2014 - 150.3lbs

78th weigh-in - July 16th, 2014 - 153.3lbs

79th weigh-in - July 23rd, 2014 - 157.1lbs

80th weigh-in - July 30th, 2014 -  149.4lbs

81st weigh-in - August 6th, 2014 - 150.4lbs

82nd weigh-in - August 13th, 2014 - 153.3lbs

83rd weigh-in - August 20th, 2014 - 155.3lbs

84th weigh-in - August 27th, 2014 - 155.3lbs

85th weigh-in - September 3rd, 2014 - 161.9lbs

86th weigh-in - September 10th, 2014 - 154.2lbs

87th weigh-in - September 17th, 2014 - 163.6lbs

88th weigh-in - September 24th, 2014 - 154.4lbs

89th weigh-in - October 1st, 2014 - 152lbs

90th weigh-in - October 8th, 2014 - 150.8lbs

91st weigh-in - October 15th, 2014 - 156lbs

92nd weigh-in - October 22nd, 2014 - 149.2lbs

93rd weigh-in - October 29th, 2014 - 152.9lbs

94th weigh-in - November 5th, 2014 -156.7lbs

95th weigh-in - November 12th. 2014 - 154.7lbs

96th weigh-in - November 19th, 2014 - 156lbs

Twenty weeks of reruns.  Up, down, up, down, up, down, up up, down down, same, down, up, this show is getting pretty boring, I hope I don't get cancelled.  Of course, that's up to me, isn't it?!?  Not the cancelled thing, the boring bit.  I need some more inspiration, I need to find my audience again, I need to stop my daytime soap opera saga and get back into writing dark comedy, drama, and sitcoms.  

I never understood why people watch soap operas.  The pace is so slow, something afforded to a daily programme.  At least with weeklies, you see the episode and look forward to the next one.  And time passes, but you're not witness to the mundane details of the characters' existence.  The writers are lazy, but you can be when you are writing about the day to day minutia of life.  Interest builds when you have an economy of air time, how do you tell the story completely in one hour a week?  You need to be clever.  If it's a serial, you have most likely established your characters and their back stories and you can focus on events and situations that intrigue, humour, and excite the viewer.  So that's what I'm going to do...start this season with a bang! 

Confessions of a foodaholic...

My name is Suzie Spitfyre and...after all this time (68 weigh-ins!)...I am still a food addict.

Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs  
53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs

56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs

57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs

58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs

59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs

60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs

61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs

62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs

63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs

64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs

65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs

66th weigh-in - April 23rd, 2014 - 141lbs

67th weigh-in - April 30th, 2014 - 149.3lbs

68th weigh-in - May 7th, 2014 - 144.1lbs

After losing 5.2lbs this week...and the mandatory happy dance that comes with...I looked back over my food journals to see why I had such a gain the week before.  I knew I'd taken in a lot more refined carbs in the last few weeks than usual, but what else was going on?  I'll tell you.  Denial.  

And here I thought I was just indulging a little bit, turns out it was a bit more than a bit.  So I scrolled back through weeks of online food and exercise journals (my exercise has remained consistent BTW) only to see that, yes...I'd been overdoing it in the food department...and for the most part, getting away with it.  Month after month I was eating healthy nutritious food during the week and then indulging on weekends or special nights out.  Oftentimes, imbibing alcohol lead to a loss of resolve to eat healthily and liberties were taken in the form of potato chips, yaki soba, and ginger cookies.   

Interesting.

Check it out, my first real binge on junk food (since starting this whole thing on January 16th, 2013) was Superbowl Sunday, and February 5th to the 11th is the last week that I ate only nutritious food and stuck to my portion sizes without going over my quota calorie-wise.

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs - The week before Super Bowl Sunday

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs - Popped up 10.5 pounds 56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs - 1 week of controlled clean eating and exercise, and the result is a loss of  8.7 pounds.

And then here's this past week compared to the previous 2 weeks...

66th weigh-in - April 23rd, 2014 - 141lbs - I went up a bit from the week before, but no big deal (less than a pound)
67th weigh-in - April 30th, 2014 - 149.3lbs - See what happens when I over eat and over drink?
68th weigh-in - May 7th, 2014 - 144.1lbs - Re-visited portion sizes, didn't skip any meals, didn't over drink, and voilà...lost 5.2 of the 8.3 I gained the previous week.  I'm cool with that.

Let's talk denial now.  How is it possible that I haven't looked back and compared my last week to week before and to the week before that etc.?  Maybe I couldn't face what was written out there in cyberspace...or, I am a good Buddhist and I followed what I wrote about on Saturday, February 15th. 2014:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

I would like to think it's the latter, rather than the former...but it may just be a bit of both.  And, here's the thing, it doesn't really matter.  The point is, I know what I've done, and I know where I'm going.  And right now, I'm just loving life...I just have to learn to not celebrate it with copious amounts of food and wine.  That way history will not repeat itself.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Buddha said that.  And, I must remember to:

Be present.

Be mindful.

And..well...just be.

Find happiness and contentment in the moment.  संतोष Santosha for the yogini in me...finding satisfaction in everything.

What does this have to do with my quest to find health and fitness?  Well, time has past...and I don't want to dwell in it, because on my 53rd weigh-in...I went up 5 pounds.  And then one week later, I went down 7.5.  And then the week after that went up again...and then down...like this:

Starting weight:  292.1 - A very long time ago...January 16th, 2013

52nd weigh-in 146.8 - 1 year later!

53rd weight-in 151.8 - January 22nd, 2014 - 5lbs up?  Oh dear.

54th weigh-in 144.3 - January 29th, 2014 - And down 7.5...pheuff! 

55th weigh-in 149.2 - February 5th, 2014 - And up 4.9 again?  Fantastic.

56th weight-in 146.1 - February 12th, 2014 - And down...but only 3.1 so, still up 2...

But...

"Concentrate the mind on the present moment."  

So where am I now?

I am here.  I am hovering around the same weight, some weeks I go up, some I go down.  Does it bother me?  Not really.  Should it?  Not really.  Do I still have pounds to cut?  Yes.  That goal of 137 pounds is just so friggin' close.  Is it because I'm slacking off?  Hell no!  In fact, I am working even harder.  So when the scale doesn't go in the right direction, what do I do?  Well, I grumpily stomp around a bit and then I get over it and hit the gym even harder.  I bike to the Crystal Pool daily for my morning workout, get my arse on the some form of cardio equipment, or train circuits, or box, or spin, or aqua-fit...that's my mornings, and at night?  I go back to the gym with my lovely husband and do it again, and/or go to taekwondo even though I can't participate (because of my hanging by a thread ACL), or I take a lovely yoga class with Taryn.  I am a hard core ninja in training, and I can't let what the scale says dictate how I feel from moment to moment.  I'm chalking my gain up to muscle mass.  And besides, I took my measurements and even though I went up in weight, my measurements stayed the same...and my bust, waist, and hips shrunk 6cm.  

Om.

 

My complicated relationship with gravity.

Just when you think everything is easy peasy and you can't lose (or can...as the case may be)...you go up.  Gravity sucks.

Weigh-in Wednesday #53 was on January 22nd, 2014 and I went up - first weigh-in of year 2 on the programme too!

Went up 5 pounds.  Exactly.  Not good.  But, not the end of the world either.

It sucked.  And, I don't know why it happened.  But, I do know this:  I worked out hard, I ate properly, and I gained weight.  It happens.

So what next?  Well, business as usual of course...and by that I mean hitting the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre hard and eating healthily.  No emergency juice cleanse for me, I don't believe in that.  Only thing fancy cleanses do is clear out your wallet.  Perhaps I should amp up the cardio a bit...morning and night workouts, do something that I haven't been doing lately...enter indoor and outdoor cycling...and public speaking.  That'll make me sweat.

I was invited by a certain amazing friend to attend one of his Weight Watchers meetings last Saturday.  Hadn't been to a group session since I lived in Montreal.  I remember my first weigh-in in that creepy old building on Ste-Catherine's, I cleverly wore a thick leather studded belt with my jeans and checked in at 226 pounds.  The following week, I wore leggings...see what I did there?  Haha...9 pounds gone and all I had to do was change my clothes. 

Even though I was up 5 pounds as of last Wednesday, I didn't feel like a failure at the meeting.  I went in feeling confident in the knowledge that I had lost 142 pounds...and no one could take that success away from me.  Sure, I wasn't at 147 pounds lost like the previous week, no...but I was still a loser!  I will not let one single weigh-in define me.  And, I still had tonnes of insight and experience to share with people on a similar journey to my own.  That's one thing I love about Weight Watchers meetings...there is an almost overwhelming sense of community.  There we were all fighting the same fight, and ever story that was shared was relatable.  Very inspiring!

Okay, piping up at a WW meeting last Saturday isn't exactly public speaking...but I have been invited to talk about my health, fitness, and weight loss experience again today.  It seems that there are groups of people all over the place trying to shed a few pounds and adopt a healthy lifestyle...and one of those groups gets to hear my musings at 3PM today - I even got "Special Guest Speaker" status in the email that was sent out.  Now that just got my heart rate up...I didn't even have to step on a treadmill!

Wish me luck.

I'd like to make a toast...

...to me.  

Realistically, I would like to make some toast for me...but bread is so 2012.

I am raising that proverbial glass in celebration of 1 full year of healthy lifestyling.  It was exactly 52 weigh-ins ago that I started this journey, and what a ride it has been!   

Starting weight:  292.1 - January 16th, 2013

1st weigh-in:  286.8

2nd weigh-in:  280.1

3rd weigh-in:  276.4

4th weigh-in:  274.1

5th weigh-in:  270.6

6th weigh-in:  266.2

7th weigh-in:  262

8th weigh-in:  261.4

9th weigh-in:  257.7

10th weigh-in 251.4

11th weigh-in 247.3

12th weigh-in 243.6

13th weigh-in 241.7

14th weigh-in 235.4

15th weigh-in 235.4

16th weigh-in 227.7

17th weigh-in 223.5

18th weigh-in 223.5

19th weigh-in 221.6 

20th weigh-in 221.6

21st weigh-in 215.6

22nd weigh-in 213.2

23rd weigh-in 207.9

24th weigh-in 206.6

25th weigh-in 200.1

26th weigh-in 199.7

27th weigh-in 197

28th weigh-in 191.3

29th weigh-in 189.9

30th weigh-in 180.7

31st weigh-in 183.4 

32nd weigh-in 186.4 

33rd weigh-in 186.3

34th weigh-in 174.8

35th weigh-in 174.8

36th weigh-in 170.1

37th weigh-in 169

38th weigh-in 170.2

39th weigh-in 174.7

40th weigh-in 166.4 

41st weigh-in 162.8

42nd weigh-in 159.9
43rd weigh-in 166
44th weigh-in 161.7
45th weigh-in 158.5

46th weigh-in 156.5

47th weigh-in 154.1 

48th weigh-in 153.4

49th weigh-in ???

50th weigh-in 151

51st weigh-in 148.7 - January 8th, 2014

52nd wiegh-in 146.8 - January 15th, 2014

In celebration of this accomplishment, what did I do?  Well, I'm not going to lie, if there is a treat to be had - though nowadays it is usually something like 100g of red meat with chimichurri sauce for dinner rather than an an assortment of classic savoury junk food to be had throughout the day- I'm going to indulge on a Weigh-in Wednesday.  So, what did I Weigh-in Wednesday do?  Well, I Weigh-in Wednesday went to the gym.

I power walked from my place to the Crystal Pool & Fitness Centre...searched out the other ninjas-in-training who had already worked out, chatted for far too long (long enough to cool down completely), and then caught a really bad case of lazy.  My internal monologue went something like this:

Why do I have to work out on a Wednesday, of all days, that should be my day off...shouldn't it?  What if I took today off and then worked out on Saturday (which actually is my 1 day off a week).  I have already worked out, I have walked...and walking is cardio, I mean I was sweating when I got here.  And I'm hungry now, I've run out of carbs.  I can't work out right now...but I could power walk home and then have some lunch.  Tha'd be an hour of working out...though I wouldn't be doing it at the gym...but it still counts, right?  

And then I remembered a habit I adopted back in Montreal when I was going to Marc Gagnon's (speed skater Olympian guy) gym...I made a promise to myself that come Hell or highwater, I would always go to the gym.  I would go, and I would do 10 minutes of working out...and if that was all I could muster, then I would allow myself to stop and do whatever else it was that I needed to do.  But, you know what?  More often than not, if you do 10 minutes, you can do an hour, and if you can do an hour, then you have just tricked yourself into completing a cardio workout...so that's exactly what I did.  It may have also helped that I met a wonderful woman yesterday who stopped for a wee chat as soon as she recognised me from the TC.  Her name was Verna, and she told me that she and her friends had been following my progress.  She then proceeded to call me a goofball and said that goofballs could talk their way out of anything...including exercise.  Little did she know what was going on in my head...so then I really had to work out.  Can't let Verna, who was shopping around for an appropriate rec centre in which to work out herself, down...could I?

No.

In the morning I posted my Weigh-in Wednesday results on Twitter (@suziespitfyre):

Weigh-in Wednesday #52 -1 year later- I am down to 146.8 from 294, that's 147lbs lost! Feeling #healthy, #fit, & #fabulous. #yyj @MIJOSport

Then I posted this:

Now, how am I going to celebrate my 1 year anniversary? Well, by going to the gym of course..still have 10lbs to go. No rest for the wicked!

Then I had one of those "A-ha" moments:

Lightbulb: I just realised..I now weigh less than the amount of weight that I have lost. Whoa. #weightloss

 

Which lead eventually to this:

2 celebrate my being 1/2 the size I used 2 B & my 52nd weigh-in..I ran 6.6K in a row..without stopping. Yup, I know how 2 party.  

And with that, I say...PARTY ON, good time girl!  (By the way, when I raised my glass earlier, it was full of water.)