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| Happy Hallowe'en from Dr. Frank-N-Furter |
I had a very HAPPY HALLOWE'EN, Samhain,
New Year, Day of the Dead, All Saints and All Souls Days...whatever you want to
call it.
Like every good spook on All Hallow's
Eve, I wrote some New Year's resolutions on pieces of paper which I then set
alight and dropped into a cauldron. As
the leaves on the trees wither and die, so too should some of my bad habits,
right? And, yes, I still have some of
those even after 10 months of healthy eating and exercising. So with this turn of the year's wheel, I will
attempt to bid adieu to some of my more unsavoury quirks.
I have been attending the EatingDisorders Programme provided by the Ministry of Child and Family Development
every Thursday for the last few months.
As you know, my relationship with food has been somewhat troubled for
many years...suffice it to say that I used to dive into several bags of potato
chips, down 2 litres of cola, and gorge on endless combinations of mac n'
cheese, ramen noodles, and canned pasta whenever I would get upset, stressed,
bored...or feel any strong emotion. It
was not a healthy practice, because after stuffing my face full of junk food, I
would feel physically ill, and then the shame and guilt of such a pig out would
set in. But, food and I also liked to
celebrate with each other. Have a great
day? Yes, well, let's order greasy
burgers, pizza, Chinese, poutine, whatever...it didn't matter, but let's not
forget to get chips and pop from the store...and if we get enough food for 6
people, then we can keep eating the take-away for the next day and a half. Mmm yummy...and I'll start my diet on
Monday. Good plan! And, famous last words. Needless to say, my diet...or rather
lifestyle overhaul...didn't start until January 16th of this year, and has been
chugging along pretty nicely since. So
why attend the Eating Disorders Programme?
Well, because once a foodaholic, always a foodaholic. I may be in recovery, but I will always have
a tendency to overeat even if it goes against my better judgement.
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| Karl Lagerfeld and his date, the Sweet Transvestite! |
My GP Dr. Laura Phillips, who is the
most supportive, understanding, and comprehensive doctor in the world, turned
me onto the eating disorders programme after I discussed an inappropriate new
inclination to skip meals, or restrict my food.
Last November and December, I was talking to her about my compulsive
binge eating. There was no better high
than losing myself in a junk food orgy...and now, it seems, I'm taking cues
from my high school skinny-self who ate very little because of her sweetheart's
take on thick thighs. What am I
doing? Why am I doing it? I get it, I've done a little transferal
thing...why eat less and exercise more when I can adopt another eating disordered behaviour? Sticking to a
healthy well balanced diet that keeps my metabolism going all day, well, that's
just too damn normal innit? Far too logical for me, why don't I swap one
problem for another? Haha...at least I'm
aware of the situation. It's a trick or
treat kind of a thing. And, as I've
given up treats, it gets a little tricky.
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| Zombie Suzie...at the gym. Yes, I worked out in this. |
Before attending group sessions, I had
a preliminary phone interview with someone about my eating habits. And, following that, I had a one-on-one
hour-long chat with a clinical counsellor.
Both experiences led me to ruminate over the how and why of my eating. No real problems with food growing up, my
parents encouraged healthy meals with the occasional treat, I exercised
regularly and took part in sport. I
suppose it was my first real boyfriend who made me question the amount of food
that was going in my mouth. So, I just
stopped eating as much...because apparently if you eat less, you are more
attractive? It doesn't really make
sense, but that's how I saw it. It must
have been in Grade 12 that I first experimented with restrictive eating. Skip breakfast, eat a recess snack, have
lunch, and dinner if I was with my folks, possibly no dinner if I was with my
beau. And then everyone's happy,
right? Well, apart from me who was kinda
hungry.
Then in university, I remember getting
ready to go to dinner with my new boyfriend "cute boy from my archaeology
class," and I asked him if I could wear the outfit that I had put on. He looked at me as if I were crazy for
asking. But, I had become accustomed to
asking for BF approval. (And, I swore
that I would never let a boy control me like that! Gah! I
had been conditioned.) So, later when I
asked him what I should eat at the restaurant, he told me anything I wanted, of
course. Really? Cool!
I'll have steak and lobster...just kidding.
So how did that lead to binge
eating? Well, in my case when I cast off
the shackles of restraint I embraced fairly normal eating again. And, when I say normal, I mean normal in the
sense that I wasn't counting calories and I ate a healthy well rounded
diet...with the occasional sweet or savoury goodie thrown in. I was embracing intuitive eating: Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're
full. Duh! Then I broke up with that university
boyfriend, and I was sad. So sad and mad
at myself for causing the break-up, and irrationally angry with men, boys I
should say...so how will I get back at them?
Well, I'll be wickedly clever, sharp witted, and wildly successful at
anything I set my mind to...and then, and then they'll think..."Why did I
ever break up with her? She is sooooo
fabulous." Or I could just stew in
my dorm room and eat mi goreng before I go to sleep pretty much every night. Hmmm...what to do, what to do?
Thus began my own personal
confederation of food and emotion. You
told me what to eat? I will take back that
power by eating what I like, when I like, and however much I like, thank you
very much! Who has the power now,
Bucko? Oh, and slightly larger thighs. Awww crap.
My cunning plan has side effects, and appears to be backfiring! Now add a lack of varsity field hockey to the
mix and we've got the freshman 15....except that I was a sophomore, so I
doubled it.
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| This Halloween. Batman needed little help, obviously. |
And 18 years later, I was almost 300
pounds. Okay, I may have left out some
of the details of how that came to be...but you don't need to know the
specifics, you need to know that I started equating food with comfort,
pleasure, happiness, solace, and a bunch of other nouns that describe a state
of being. I ate for stress relief, to
alleviate emotional pain, and as a way of coping with the ups and downs of
life. I was a totally normal kid (well,
to a certain extent) and I gradually turned myself into a food addict who
became completely obsessed with eating.
Now, on Thursdays, I go to group meetings
and hang with a small number of women all affected by binge eating. We are lead by 2 or 3 counsellors at a time
who cover topics as varied as “using your wise mind,” “dialectical abstinence,”
and “primary and secondary emotions”…and something about arrows. Very fancy stuff...and it seems to be working,
or at least I seem to be applying it, not only to my eating, but also every
other aspect of my life. Now I pretty
much feel like I’m screwed up in lots of other ways…but at least I’m working on
it.
