Reality bites...

Considering my last blog post...I thought this was rather hilarious.  Why get all philosophical anyway, eh?

  
Life is short, make fun of it...haha.

Instant karma's gonna get you...

Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

- John Lennon

Satya - truthfulness - was the underlying theme of my Yoga for Recovery class on Tuesday.  It made perfect sense to me, Taryn has this knack for creating content in her classes that totally aligns with what's going on in my life.  Or, it could just be that weird coincidence thing that happens when I listen to music at the gym.  I start to think:

"Hey, this song was totally written for me!  How did INSERT ARTIST'S NAME HERE know?  My gods, it's almost karmic, you put something out there into the universe and it comes back to you in song and winds up on your playlist!  Oh, no wait, I guess I chose this playlist...and this song, and it has nothing to do with the universe, except for maybe it does?"  

I suspect that in yoga, it is just that I am always up for a good think, I enjoy eastern philosophies, I am a student of the cosmos (or at least a space cadet some of the time), and I believe that all things happen for a reason...so if Taryn decides satya, or truthfulness, is what we are focusing on in class, then I had better pay attention...because I could learn something...and perhaps I need to face my truth or something.  You get out what you put in, right?  Well, I'm all in.

Satya, one of the 5 moral restrains that yogis practice, means truthfulness...but it's so much more, which is the case for all of the yamas.  Honesty isn't as easy as going around telling the truth, it's as complicated as living honestly in conformity with fact or reality...being true to yourself as you exist within the universe.  This leads me to speculate that satya may also correlate with my perception of reality.

re·al·i·ty 

noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\

: the true situation that exists : the real situation

: something that actually exists or happens : a real event, occurrence, situation, etc.

So that means...

That satya has a direct correlation with cognition.  Which makes me think...do I really know what's going on?  Really?  I am confident in the knowledge that I do not.  Am I seeing the world as it truly is, or am I looking at it in a way that is dictated by my cognition of it?  This is some pretty heavy shit.  So how does this relate to my ninja training, healthy eating, lifestyle change, emotional well-being, eating disorder etc. etc. etc.?  What does it have to do with my sporadic return to binge and restrict behaviour?  How is it affecting how I deal with things?  Well, I reckon that there's something that I don't really want to deal with or acknowledge...and that's what's pushing me towards my self-sabotaging ways.    

Now, about those coincidences...a mere 5 days before yoga, I went to my Thursday group session (Eating Disorders Programme) on distress tolerance and discussion was largely focused on acceptance and awareness.  Acceptance = I don't like it, I can't change it, but I accept it.  In order to practice accepting reality, it is important to be aware that it is in fact a choice to accept it.  Satya, or truthfulness, plays into this big time.  In my case, regarding the binging and restricting, I accept the fact that in times of distress I have the choice to capitulate and enter eating disordered behaviour or turn my mind.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy, right?!  Well, no.  Difficult difficult lemon difficult.  But, by turning the mind I go from, "The only thing I can do in this situation is use food" to "hey, there are other things I can do in this state."  Being aware that I have more choices, well that's accepting reality.  And, what of satya?  Well, satya is making decisions that align with my true self.  After all, I am a changed woman...one who has waaaay too many skills to resort to eating disordered behaviours.  

What seems to be the trouble anyway?  What is leading me down that very familiar slippery slope?

After yoga...things always become clearer.  It's similar to when people say, "maybe you should sleep on it," I guess savasana has the same affect on me.  It's a mindfulness thing.  I go in being mind full...and leave being mindful.  Yoga is all about awareness.  Consiousness of breathing, of positions of the body, and of connection to the universe.  Of course, it helps that Taryn specialises in yoga for recovery - the woman is nothing short of amazing.  Her talking points are relevant, enlightening, and always eerily timely, as I mentioned before.  Satya.

What is my truth at this very moment?  This entire blog is based on my journey from fat to fit, and now that I am nearly at my goal...I am obviously afraid of what happens next.  What if my train goes off track, am I trying to prolong the trip, what happens if I get delayed and miss my connection?!  In my last post I spoke of letting go of fear and enjoying the ride...well, I am...I guess, I just don't want get off when I get to the station.  Subconsciously, I see everything passing by...consciously, I have hurried along to reach my final destination...and now I'm realising that Robert J. Hastings was right all along, it's not all happily ever after when you get there.  The terminal is an illusion, true living is found in the the voyage.  Ain't that the truth!

Should I scream or just throw my hands up and enjoy this thrill ride that is my life?

Yet another Monday where I am attempting to CTRL+ALT+DELETE and reset.  No, I didn't indulge in any Easter Chocolate, the Easter Bunny totally skipped our house this year.  Perhaps he was a little pissed off that we...well...we may have eaten him on Good Friday at Zambri's.  Woops.  Sorry about that.

 

I weighed-in at 140.7 pounds on April 16th, my last recorded Weigh-in Wednesday.  And, when I last blogged a Weigh-in Wednesday on January 15th (my 52nd weigh-in), I was at 146.8 pounds...ladies and gentlemen, I may have hit my first plateau right about then.  Let's face it, I have been struggling to get down to the 137 pound goal I set for myself ever since.  Don't let anyone tell you the last 10ish pounds are easy.  They may be the hardest, in my opinion.

 

Over the last 3 months, I have had incredible support from my ninjas-in-training, Troy T-BONE Wilson - the Crystal Pool's latest contestant in the TC Health Challenge- and mother extraordinaire and tattooed wonder, Jacqueline David.  It helps that Troy's going through the same process that I did in 2013, and believe you me, we connected in conversation with almost daily treadmill talks.  Jacqueline and I have been joined at the hip for the last 5 months, since I first commented on her ink and she discovered I was a transformed woman.

 

As ninja master, Jonathan Carpenter, pointed out a few weeks ago, sometimes I think too much about what's going on with my personal journey...all those ups and downs.  Sometimes, I spend too much of my time screaming, when I just need to throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.  Working circuits with Troy and Jacqueline in January and February allowed me to do just that.  Sweating it out with the other ninjas-in-training added another element of excitement to my workouts...apparently, it's not all about me all of the time.  And that's a very good thing.  We all have a plethora of circuit routines scribbled on papers, in Ninjaese, stashed in our backpacks that push our cardio and strength training to the limit - our thrill ride.  Alone, I would go through my exercises systematically...I was in competition with myself...but together we were a team.  #TEAMNINJA.  As the most tenured ninja-in-training of our group, I shared my experience with the others and told them, "it doesn't get easier, you just get better."  And, they did, which in turn inspired me to keep going...keep getting better.

 

Looking back at the last 3 months, I'm proud that I kept on chugging, because I haven't always been on track...reviewing my weigh-ins, and food journals, I see that now.

 
Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs

 

Fast forward one year...

 

53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs

54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs

55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs

56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs

57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs

58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs

59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs

60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs

61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs

62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs

63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs

64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs

65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs

 

It's nice to have people along for the ride...having said that, I wasn't expecting this seemingly never-ending roller coaster.  Up, down, up, down, down, up, down, up, up, down, up, up, down...all the while, I've been strapped into the exercise car, but perhaps I've been eating a bit too much while visiting the midway.  I'm not making excuses, in fact, looking at all those numbers makes me realise that each time I gained, there was a reason.  Yes, I built muscle during the 6 weeks that I did intense circuits with Troy and Jacqueline, but my food choices were less consistent than they had been in the past.  I even revisited binge behaviour.  

 

Who am I?

 

I'll tell you who I am...I'm a human.  A tragically flawed human.  A human who sets her standards really high and strives for perfection...but, you know what?  Nobody's perfect...especially not me...and I hate to admit that.  But, it's true. 

 

I had a perfect record...no binge-triggering-foods until that fateful Superbowl Sunday.  Then I lost control.  If I have 1 chip, I have the bag.  And there were a few bags in the house that day...and I ate until EVERYTHING was gone....so that's what happened there...and a few other times.  But, it's not just that...I got lazy (no, I still train 6 days a week and double up on at least 3 of those days).  I stopped religiously measuring my food from time to time, I ate intuitively here and there, I indulged a bit too much when people would say, "But you've worked so hard, surely you can have a treat."  And, now I know that I can, but there will be repercussions.  I can't do that just yet.  I'm not ready.  I still have to stick to my portioning of food and the journalling of everything that passes these lips.  In order to elude my food hamartia, I need quite a bit of structure and accountability still.  I know this now, more than ever.  Luckily, going forward, I am under the tutelage of a ninja master and have ninjas-in-training by my side.  To say nothing of my husband, family, friends, gym pals, comrades and counsellors at the Eating Disorders Clinic, blog-readers, MAC mavens, TC peeps, social media mentors and followers, and everyone who's ever been there with an encouraging word, pat on the back, or a reality check...thanks for sticking by me.  Safety in numbers, right?

Awww, the numbers.  Haven't seen the latest ones all written down in succession like that...and now that I have, I know what to do.  Rather than buckle-up for a bumpy ride going forward, I have to buckle down and take inspiration from my fellow ninjas-in-training by eating clean and training dirty.  I have got to get off this roller coaster before I spend a little too much time on it and eventually throw up.  Just thankful that I am not the only one on Space Mountain, riding around alone in the dark...now THAT would be scary.

Just another manic Monday...or is it?

Good Monday morning!  

It's a beautiful start to the day here in our fair city of Victoria, British Columbia.  I woke up a little late, but I am excited for the start of this new week...Why you ask?  Well, it's manic Monday - rewritten.

So why are Mondays good?  Let's see...it's the start of a new week...and this week is particularly important because it's the week after the end of TC Health Challenge 2014.  So rather than throw in the towel a mere 3 months after-Christmas and after celebrating Troy T-Bone Wilson's 70lbs lost during the challenge...I, like many other readers I'm sure, will be starting the week out right just as we've been doing for the last 12 weeks.  I declare my outright commitment to this healthy lifestyle.  Generally I do this on Weigh-in Wednesdays, but Monday is better than Wednesday, because it's sooner...and it's now...and there's no time like the present. 

It's good to reboot from time to time, set the bod and brain back to factory settings.  

My  hard-wire for diet is caveman-inspired, with a bit of agricultural revolution thrown in.  What's that they say?!  The archaeologist is always right?  Haha...whatever...I try not to eat processed food, I love lean animal-proteins (former vegetarian turned omnivore...woopsy), I munch on nuts and seeds for their good fats, I enjoy unlimited amounts of fruits and veg (I like eating A LOT...so these add bulk to my meals), I have portioned whole grains - it's pretty much that simple.  I shop for groceries every few days, and always have fresh produce in the house for spur-of-the-moment stir-fries and gorgeous gargantuan salads.  I do my best to eat cleanly, and mechanically.  I pretty much have set "feeding times" so that I am never too ravenous...that lessens the chance that I will over-eat.  I still have a tendency to do that, even after 15 months on programme, but I am learning.  For this reason, I still journal EVERYTHING...even when I indulge in a treat or two.  I also try to be prepared, carrying food in my bag at all times and taking a few minutes on Sundays to plan my dinners for the week.  That keeps me in check.

My fitness regimen does not include running away from sabre-toothed tigers and/or mammoths...though that is great exercise...it remains almost exactly the same as when I started with the TC Health Challenge.  I do slow-burn cardio in the mornings 6 days a week - Monday through Friday I also walk to and from the Crystal Pool, or at least I try to do so, I sometimes ride my bike.  My double-up days are Monday (MIJO Sport Taekwondo), Tuesday (evening cardio followed by Taryn Strong's Anahata Moon Yoga for Recovery at MokSana), Wednesdays (MIJO Sport Taekwondo) and sometimes Thursdays (Taryn Strong's Anahata Moon Yoga - Hatha class at Hemma) and Saturdays off...two of my morning workouts are ninja training sessions i.e. personal training sessions with Jonathan Carpenter of MIJO Sport.  I love my gym time.  It is a time when I disconnect with my kinetic monkey-mind and just sweat everything out.  When I'm done, even after all that hard work, I feel recharged, refocused, refreshed.        

After a fabulous weekend where I may have imbibed some BEvERages and eaten some bacon on Friday evening, quite possibly had a Dynamite Roll lunch with T-Bone Troy and Korean BBQ for dinner with a bunch of ninjas on Saturday, and had a Sunday Funday supper of rustic French food, including 3 gorgeous slices of whole wheat crusty baguette and drunken beef stew (yes, I ate bread and there may have been a smidgeon of butter on each piece)...after all that, I, SUZIE SPITFYRE, commit to clean.  Eating that is, I still believe in training dirty...and it's probably the only reason that I am not beating myself up mentally for the treats I had this weekend - I hit the gym every day this past week. 

Monday, oh Monday...you and I used to have such a sordid relationship.  I would have wild weekends and then I would promise to never stray again.  Then I would break my word and cheat on you...numerous times.  And then I would swear up and down that the next time you came round I would stick with it, but it never happened.  Until January of 2013 when I embarked on a brand new love affair with health and fitness, what a threesome we make!  We've only been together for 15 months, but it's been really working out.  We spend almost all our time together and I have gotten a lot of really nice meals out of it.  So today, I'm going to make some similar statements, Monday...but, this time it's more of an affirmation that after a year and 3 months of eating a healthy diet and getting lots of exercise, I can do this...even after a bit of mild flirtation on the weekend.  I know, I know just as long as not every Thursday is thirsty, every Friday is fitness-free, every Saturday is saturated-fat-filled, and every Sunday is sugary.  Monday, I'm using you to reboot...you are now Moderation Monday instead of Manic Monday.

"Burpees are killing me."

That's the first text I received this morning.

The second was, "I just accidentally msged ninja that, not you.  Ooops.  Haha."

Good morning, Suzie Spitfyre!  This is the kind of message I get first thing in the morning from my partner-in-crime and fellow ninja-in-training, Jacqueline.  Remember, when I said surround yourself with positive people?  Jacqueline is one of my positive people.  She has been training with the ninja for 4 months or so...and she gets it.  We gripe about which body part hurts and why, and we also celebrate our mastery of certain exercises...burpees aren't her favourite, obviously. 

This morning I woke up to an achey chest, wrists, arms, sides of legs, and a bunch of other stuff.  Damn those Bosu flyer tilt things.  It's been a while since I have felt the pain of working out...and not because I haven't been working hard, but because I have gotten into better shape.  Now I have to push even harder to get that good hurt.   

And for the record...I heart burpees, and those flyer tilt thingies too.