Monday, April 21, 2014

Should I scream or just throw my hands up and enjoy this thrill ride that is my life?

Yet another Monday where I am attempting to CTRL+ALT+DELETE and reset.  No, I didn't indulge in any Easter Chocolate, the Easter Bunny totally skipped our house this year.  Perhaps he was a little pissed off that we...well...we may have eaten him on Good Friday at Zambri's.  Woops.  Sorry about that.
I weighed-in at 140.7 pounds on April 16th, my last recorded Weigh-in Wednesday.  And, when I last blogged a Weigh-in Wednesday on January 15th (my 52nd weigh-in), I was at 146.8 pounds...ladies and gentlemen, I may have hit my first plateau right about then.  Let's face it, I have been struggling to get down to the 137 pound goal I set for myself ever since.  Don't let anyone tell you the last 10ish pounds are easy.  They may be the hardest, in my opinion.
Over the last 3 months, I have had incredible support from my ninjas-in-training, Troy T-BONE Wilson - the Crystal Pool's latest contestant in the TC Health Challenge- and mother extraordinaire and tattooed wonder, Jacqueline David.  It helps that Troy's going through the same process that I did in 2013, and believe you me, we connected in conversation with almost daily treadmill talks.  Jacqueline and I have been joined at the hip for the last 5 months, since I first commented on her ink and she discovered I was a transformed woman.
As ninja master, Jonathan Carpenter, pointed out a few weeks ago, sometimes I think too much about what's going on with my personal journey...all those ups and downs.  Sometimes, I spend too much of my time screaming, when I just need to throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.  Working circuits with Troy and Jacqueline in January and February allowed me to do just that.  Sweating it out with the other ninjas-in-training added another element of excitement to my workouts...apparently, it's not all about me all of the time.  And that's a very good thing.  We all have a plethora of circuit routines scribbled on papers, in Ninjaese, stashed in our backpacks that push our cardio and strength training to the limit - our thrill ride.  Alone, I would go through my exercises systematically...I was in competition with myself...but together we were a team.  #TEAMNINJA.  As the most tenured ninja-in-training of our group, I shared my experience with the others and told them, "it doesn't get easier, you just get better."  And, they did, which in turn inspired me to keep going...keep getting better.
Looking back at the last 3 months, I'm proud that I kept on chugging, because I haven't always been on track...reviewing my weigh-ins, and food journals, I see that now.
Starting weight - January 16th, 2013 - 294lbs
Fast forward one year...
53rd weigh-in - January 22th, 2014 - 151.8lbs
54th weigh-in - January 29th, 2014 - 144.3lbs
55th weigh-in - February 5th, 2014 - 154.8lbs
56th weigh-in - February 12th, 2014 - 146.1lbs
57th weigh-in - February 19th, 2014 - 143.7lbs
58th weigh-in - February 26th, 2014 - 145.7lbs
59th weigh-in - March 5th, 2014 - 141.4lbs
60th weigh-in - March 12th, 2014 - 145.1lbs
61st weigh-in - March19th, 2014 - 149.4lbs
62nd weigh-in - March  26th, 2014 - 143.3lbs
63rd weigh-in - April 2nd, 2014 - 147.1lbs
64th weigh-in - April 9th, 2014 - 147.4lbs
65th weigh-in - April 16th, 2014 - 140.7lbs
It's nice to have people along for the ride...having said that, I wasn't expecting this seemingly never-ending roller coaster.  Up, down, up, down, down, up, down, up, up, down, up, up, down...all the while, I've been strapped into the exercise car, but perhaps I've been eating a bit too much while visiting the midway.  I'm not making excuses, in fact, looking at all those numbers makes me realise that each time I gained, there was a reason.  Yes, I built muscle during the 6 weeks that I did intense circuits with Troy and Jacqueline, but my food choices were less consistent than they had been in the past.  I even revisited binge behaviour.  
Who am I?
I'll tell you who I am...I'm a human.  A tragically flawed human.  A human who sets her standards really high and strives for perfection...but, you know what?  Nobody's perfect...especially not me...and I hate to admit that.  But, it's true. 
I had a perfect binge-triggering-foods until that fateful Superbowl Sunday.  Then I lost control.  If I have 1 chip, I have the bag.  And there were a few bags in the house that day...and I ate until EVERYTHING was that's what happened there...and a few other times.  But, it's not just that...I got lazy (no, I still train 6 days a week and double up on at least 3 of those days).  I stopped religiously measuring my food from time to time, I ate intuitively here and there, I indulged a bit too much when people would say, "But you've worked so hard, surely you can have a treat."  And, now I know that I can, but there will be repercussions.  I can't do that just yet.  I'm not ready.  I still have to stick to my portioning of food and the journalling of everything that passes these lips.  In order to elude my food hamartia, I need quite a bit of structure and accountability still.  I know this now, more than ever.  Luckily, going forward, I am under the tutelage of a ninja master and have ninjas-in-training by my side.  To say nothing of my husband, family, friends, gym pals, comrades and counsellors at the Eating Disorders Clinic, blog-readers, MAC mavens, TC peeps, social media mentors and followers, and everyone who's ever been there with an encouraging word, pat on the back, or a reality check...thanks for sticking by me.  Safety in numbers, right?

Awww, the numbers.  Haven't seen the latest ones all written down in succession like that...and now that I have, I know what to do.  Rather than buckle-up for a bumpy ride going forward, I have to buckle down and take inspiration from my fellow ninjas-in-training by eating clean and training dirty.  I have got to get off this roller coaster before I spend a little too much time on it and eventually throw up.  Just thankful that I am not the only one on Space Mountain, riding around alone in the THAT would be scary.

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