Sunday, April 27, 2014

Instant karma's gonna get you...

Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are
- John Lennon

Satya - truthfulness - was the underlying theme of my Yoga for Recovery class on Tuesday.  It made perfect sense to me, Taryn has this knack for creating content in her classes that totally aligns with what's going on in my life.  Or, it could just be that weird coincidence thing that happens when I listen to music at the gym.  I start to think:
"Hey, this song was totally written for me!  How did INSERT ARTIST'S NAME HERE know?  My gods, it's almost karmic, you put something out there into the universe and it comes back to you in song and winds up on your playlist!  Oh, no wait, I guess I chose this playlist...and this song, and it has nothing to do with the universe, except for maybe it does?"  
I suspect that in yoga, it is just that I am always up for a good think, I enjoy eastern philosophies, I am a student of the cosmos (or at least a space cadet some of the time), and I believe that all things happen for a if Taryn decides satya, or truthfulness, is what we are focusing on in class, then I had better pay attention...because I could learn something...and perhaps I need to face my truth or something.  You get out what you put in, right?  Well, I'm all in.

Satya, one of the 5 moral restrains that yogis practice, means truthfulness...but it's so much more, which is the case for all of the yamas.  Honesty isn't as easy as going around telling the truth, it's as complicated as living honestly in conformity with fact or reality...being true to yourself as you exist within the universe.  This leads me to speculate that satya may also correlate with my perception of reality.


noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\

: the true situation that exists : the real situation
: something that actually exists or happens : a real event, occurrence, situation, etc.

So that means...

That satya has a direct correlation with cognition.  Which makes me I really know what's going on?  Really?  I am confident in the knowledge that I do not.  Am I seeing the world as it truly is, or am I looking at it in a way that is dictated by my cognition of it?  This is some pretty heavy shit.  So how does this relate to my ninja training, healthy eating, lifestyle change, emotional well-being, eating disorder etc. etc. etc.?  What does it have to do with my sporadic return to binge and restrict behaviour?  How is it affecting how I deal with things?  Well, I reckon that there's something that I don't really want to deal with or acknowledge...and that's what's pushing me towards my self-sabotaging ways.    

Now, about those coincidences...a mere 5 days before yoga, I went to my Thursday group session (Eating Disorders Programme) on distress tolerance and discussion was largely focused on acceptance and awareness.  Acceptance = I don't like it, I can't change it, but I accept it.  In order to practice accepting reality, it is important to be aware that it is in fact a choice to accept it.  Satya, or truthfulness, plays into this big time.  In my case, regarding the binging and restricting, I accept the fact that in times of distress I have the choice to capitulate and enter eating disordered behaviour or turn my mind.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy, right?!  Well, no.  Difficult difficult lemon difficult.  But, by turning the mind I go from, "The only thing I can do in this situation is use food" to "hey, there are other things I can do in this state."  Being aware that I have more choices, well that's accepting reality.  And, what of satya?  Well, satya is making decisions that align with my true self.  After all, I am a changed who has waaaay too many skills to resort to eating disordered behaviours.  

What seems to be the trouble anyway?  What is leading me down that very familiar slippery slope?

After yoga...things always become clearer.  It's similar to when people say, "maybe you should sleep on it," I guess savasana has the same affect on me.  It's a mindfulness thing.  I go in being mind full...and leave being mindful.  Yoga is all about awareness.  Consiousness of breathing, of positions of the body, and of connection to the universe.  Of course, it helps that Taryn specialises in yoga for recovery - the woman is nothing short of amazing.  Her talking points are relevant, enlightening, and always eerily timely, as I mentioned before.  Satya.

What is my truth at this very moment?  This entire blog is based on my journey from fat to fit, and now that I am nearly at my goal...I am obviously afraid of what happens next.  What if my train goes off track, am I trying to prolong the trip, what happens if I get delayed and miss my connection?!  In my last post I spoke of letting go of fear and enjoying the ride...well, I am...I guess, I just don't want get off when I get to the station.  Subconsciously, I see everything passing by...consciously, I have hurried along to reach my final destination...and now I'm realising that Robert J. Hastings was right all along, it's not all happily ever after when you get there.  The terminal is an illusion, true living is found in the the voyage.  Ain't that the truth!

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